Natty Sue
by Himitsu Natsume
Summary: [MARY SUE SPOOF] CHAPTER ELEVEN! Wow... Thought it'd never come! Anyhow, Nat knocks Snape unconscious. Oops. Once again, ONLY PLAUSIBLE MARY SUE SPOOF!
1. Hats!

A small girl stood surveying herself in a large ornate mirror before she entered the Great Hall

**Author's note:** I wanted to write something… Funny, but not insane like my Survivor II HP fic. So, here's my attempt at a plausible humour fic. I know it's not too funny yet; I'm new at this though! Oh, and Nat looks like me, and basically she is me, I just didn't want to use my real name. And yes, this is a Mary Sue spoof. Bitchy Mary Sue! Yay! Please R/R and let me know if it sucks. Should I make it insane? Should I drop it altogether? Let me know. ^_~

** **

Nat Sue  
Chapter One

A small girl stood surveying herself in a large ornate mirror before she entered the Great Hall. She brushed her short blonde curls off her brow, trying to find a way to wear the wizard's hat without it flattening her hair too badly. Her eyes sparkled a greenish-gold; her fair skin glowed from just being washed. She had a light sprinkling of freckles across the bridge of her nose, and when she smiled she showed off her straight white teeth. She straightened her robe; black looked good on her, too bad the robe was a bit long; she'd have to hem it up later. Then she turned and faced the professor.

"I'm ready, Professor." She told McGonagall, who had been waiting while she readied herself. "Alright, let me see if the headmaster is ready for you to come in, I'll be right back." Professor McGonagall strode out of the small room adjoining the great hall with the dignified air someone who had done this many times before. The girl stood waiting for McGonagall to return, she was the perfect picture of calm, her face would never have given away her nervousness, or her intentions.

A few moments later, Professor McGonagall returned and led the girl to the door. The girl could hear the headmaster announcing her arrival to the filled hall. "I'm happy to inform you all that we have a new transfer student from America who will be spending the rest of the school year with us. Please join me in welcoming Nat Himitsu to Hogwarts!" Nat knew this was her cue, and began to walk into the Great Hall. She glanced at the many students on both sides of her as she walked up to the head table alongside Professor McGonagall. At the head table, she stopped and shook hands with Dumbledore, and exchanged all the usual formalities. Dumbledore introduced her to the other professors, including Hagrid, a big, hulking, giant of a man, who had what Nat considered an annoying accent, and Snape, who Nat thought would be an interesting professor, and perhaps an interesting person in general, if one could get to know him. And if he turned out to be boring, well, that's what she had spray paint for.

Then Dumbledore called for the sorting hat. At first the hat seemed a bit upset to be awoken, after all, it had only been a month since it sorted the first year students, but after some coaxing from Dumbledore, Nat was placed on a stool and the hat placed atop her head. The hat slid down, until it reached the tip of Nat's nose, where it rested. "Well, well, what have we got here?" the hat mused. "Well, you could go in Ravenclaw, I can tell right off you're going to be excellent at subjects that bore most students to tears, The History of Magic, Ancient Runes, anything with a lot of reading and writing involved. But oh, no, no, you can't be in Ravenclaw after all. I can tell now that you're going to flunk anything that's hands-on. You'll have trouble with Potions and Transfiguration for sure. Maybe you could get by in those classes by writing reports, but I seriously doubt you're going to be able to get good enough grades for Ravenclaw. Of course, I can't very well put you in Hufflepuff either as you will excel in some classes… My, my, well that leaves Slytherin and Gryffindor. Do you have any say in the matter? You're being very quiet you know, most students have a ton they want to blurt out as if I really give a… So do you have any preference?" The hat waited for what seemed like a long time before Nat thought to the hat, "Wait." The hat was taken aback a bit by this. Wait? Wait for what? But the hat didn't have long to ponder this before Nat thought to it again.

"Okay! So what are we doin' again? I was sleep-a-fying! I love sleeping! Do you?"

"Well, yes… Now which house would you like to be in?"

"Aren't you supposed to decide that? Silly hat!"

"Well, you seem to be a bit hard to place… That's why I was wondering if you had a preference?"

"Well, tell me what qualities I have that would be good for the houses!"

"Well, Gryffindor students are brave, and generally easy to get along with. Slytherin students are ambitious but not the nicest people in the world. You seem to be fairly brave, and you certainly are talkative now. Perhaps Gryffindor would be a good choice… But wait, what's this? I can see that you're extremely ambitious and will do anything to get to the top… Yes, in fact you're very cold blooded and cruel… I can see that one time you posted a sign on the back of your friend's car that said 'honk if you want to fuck'… My, my… And you stole your friend's boyfriend, only to dump him two days later? Why did you do that?"

"He ran out of money!"

"My, my, you really are a mean little child aren't you? Let's see what else you've done…"

"Hey! Stop it! I don't like you reading my mind! That's an invasion of my privacy!"

"Sure, sure, if I didn't read your mind how would I know where to put you? Oh, _this _looks interesting… Whipped cream huh?"

"HEY! Stop it now! Why don't you go fuck yourself you damn talking piece of shit!"

"What a mood swing… You're going to be a great addition to Hogwarts, I hope Dumbledore knows what he's getting himself into. Now, you don't really want me to fuck myself, do you? I am on top of your head, you know."

Nat promptly yanked off the hat, screaming every curse word she knew as she flung it against the wall, the entire student body watching on in shock. Nat realized everyone was watching her, and quickly put a look of dismay and hurt on her face as she turned to face Dumbledore.

Dumbledore was looking at her with an expression on his face she couldn't quite place, his icy blue gaze felt piercing. Nat met his eyes, her gaze equally piercing, yet at the same time she worked her face to look like she was about to cry. It seemed like an eternity, during which time Nat was able to notice that McGonagall and the other professors she had met were staring at her in shock, before Dumbledore spoke, his voice low and questioning. "Why did you do that?" Nat pouted a bit before answering, in a voice that was not loud, but carried very clearly through the unusually silent Great Hall. "The hat said he wanted to fuck himself while he was on my head." she stated, sounding so innocent even the sorting hat might have fallen for it. There were twitters in the hall, which quickly turned to peals of laughter coming from all tables. Nat noticed that although McGonagall was sitting stiffly, her lips pressed into a thin line, and Snape was looking indifferent to the whole thing, a few of the professors looked as if they were attempting to conceal smiles as well. "I'm sure you simply misunderstood…" Dumbledore replied, "Perhaps the hat said something and because you're not used to English accents you thought you heard something else?" Nat glared at him, giving him a look that clearly said "As if I'd ever make a mistake?!" Dumbledore sighed, and leaned back in his chair. Why don't you put the hat back on, and we'll try it again?" Nat quickly changed her face to look like she was going to cry again, before saying, "But what if it… if it… I don't want it fucking itself while it's on my head!" The hall erupted in laughter once again, and this time Nat thought she saw the corner of Professor Snape's mouth twitch slightly upward. Dumbledore rubbed his temples, and Nat had to force herself not to smirk at the fact that she was successfully annoying him. "Well, if you won't put the hat back on, perhaps one of the heads of house will volunteer to accept you." Dumbledore looked pointedly at McGonagall, who continued to purse her lips, but said nothing. "I'll take her," a man's voice spoke up. Nat glanced at the speaker, Professor Snape, and forced herself to remain looking upset over the hat. "Thank you Severus." Dumbledore said turning slightly to look at Snape. Then he turned back to Nat, "Take a seat at that table," he gestured to the Slytherin's table, "and mind you don't upset them." Nat flashed a smile at the headmaster, and then skipped off to join her new housemates.


	2. Rabbits!

Disclaimer: JKR owns the Harry Potter Universe

**Disclaimer: **JKR owns the Harry Potter Universe. I own Natsume (Nat). Natsume is not to be used elsewhere without permission from me. Why? Because she is me. I own myself. I hope…

** **

Nat Sue  
Chapter 2

Nat plopped herself down in an empty chair near the center of the Slytherin table across from a boy with silvery-blond hair and gray eyes. "Kombanwa!" Nat said, directing the greeting at no one in particular. She was met with a few blank stares, but hardly noticed because she was looking up at the ceiling. "Sky!" Nat exclaimed, pointing upwards. The boy across from her glared at her, his gray eyes icy cold. "Are you a pureblood?" the boy drawled lazily, with an undertone that sounded a bit threatening. "Rabu, rabu!" Nat exclaimed. "What?" the boy looked at her questioningly. "I dunno, it's fun to say! So is 'toko, toko'!" Everyone at the table was silent for a moment before the boy repeated his question, "So are you a pureblood?" Nat blinked, her cheerful expression disappearing rapidly.

"You mean a wizard-born? Iiee… My parents are both Muggles, and they suck… Limiting my internet time… Pfft!" 

"Internet?"

"Don't worry about it…"

"Uhm… K. What did the sorting hat really say to you?"

"I forget, some shit, I wasn't really paying attention until it started reading my mind… It had no right to invade my privacy in the way it did!"

"How would it have placed you if it didn't read your mind?"

Nat's eyes film over a bit, she then goes back to being cheerful.

"Through mystical rabbit ways!"

"What?!"

"I dunno, I think I had too much coke…"

"Coke?"

"Yeah, cocaine… I mean uhh… Coca-Cola!"

"Uhm… K."

"So who're you?"

"Draco Malfoy, I presume you've heard of the Malfoys?"

"Rabbit? I think not. Have you heard of legalized prostitution?"

"What has that got to do with anything?"

"I dunno. The rabbits made me say it!"

"What is it with you and rabbits?"

"I like them. They taste like chicken."

"You're a nutter…"

"Yup. Anyhow, the sorting hat first wanted to put me in Ravenclaw, but it said I was too dumb or some shit… And then it said maybe Gryffindor, but then it told me I was a bitch. Then it was reading my mind and I didn't like it so I told it to go fuck itself and it said that I really wouldn't want it doing that since it was on my head! And that was gross, so I threw it… and well you knew the rest…"

"I see… You know, we really don't like Mudbloods in Slytherin…"

Draco glared at her threateningly, Nat glared back.

"Then why did your head of house accept me?"

Draco faltered a bit and broke eye contact.

"I don't know! My father says Snape isn't playing with a full deck, maybe he's totally snapped and felt sorry for you!"

"Hn. He seemed sane to me. Although he could use a shower…"

Several Slytherins nearby broke into giggles at this statement.

"So, like… What time is it here? My watch doesn't work!"

"Electronics don't work in Hogwarts… It's 6:30"

"Oh… hehe, I feel like it's lunch time! No, wait… It is… In the US I mean…"

One of the Slytherins sitting nearby spoke up, "What's the time difference?"

"About six hours… So it's only 12:30 in Indiana…"

"You're from Indiana?" Another Slytherin piped up.

"Yeah… But it sucks there. We have a lot of corn. And basketball. And John Mellencamp."

"Who?"

"Some… guy… I'm not sure exactly… I've only lived in Indy for thirteen years after all."

"Uhm… Right…"

Draco uses this time to pop back in, "Wait, how old are you if you've lived in Indiana for thirteen years?"

"Fifteen… Why?"

"I thought you were like twelve!"

"Oh… Dorkhead!"

"Hey, I can't help it if you look like a little kid!"

"Well I can't help it either, and you don't have to rub it in!"

"I wasn't… Wait, does that mean you're in fifth year?"

"My, my, aren't we smart?"

"Well you just don't look old enough!"

"Yeah, yeah, at least I don't look like an albino ferret!"

A hush fell over the table as Draco fixed Nat with a murderous glare.

"Why you little…"

The next thing anyone knew, Draco and Nat were rolling on the floor punching the daylights out of each other.

"Don't you EVER say that!"

"Well don't say I look like a little kid!"

"I'll say whatever I damn well please!"

"Well so will I! You fucking little bastard!"

"Let me go you asshole!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

By this time the whole hall was watching and Draco's henchmen, Goyle and Crabbe, looked as if they were about to join the fight when Snape and McGonagall came rushing over and fired some sparks into the air in an attempt to distract the two long enough to pull them apart. Unfortunately, the two brawling teens took no notice whatsoever of the sparks, or much of anything for that matter. They ended up bowling over some poor first years that were looking on in shock. Because the teachers weren't allowed to cast spells on students, Hagrid was called over to pull the two apart. Hagrid simply picked them each up by their robes and held them apart. Nat promptly stopped struggling and hung from Hagrid's hand looking ashamed, yet extremely upset and sad. Draco kicked around a bit, then gave up and hung from Hagrid's hand while glaring daggers at Nat. "E'nuff wi' the fightn' yeh, 'ear?" Hagrid said a bit gruffly, as Dumbledore approached. Both Nat and Draco glared at Hagrid but said nothing.

Dumbledore was now standing in front of the two, looking both threatening and questioning at the same time. "What was that fight about?" Nat spoke up first trying her best to sound hurt, but barely concealing her laughter, that had been fun. "He called me a Mudblood and said I looked like a little kid!" Draco looked like if he could have reached Nat, he would have disemboweled her. "But Sir!" Draco began in his best suck-up voice, "She said I looked like an albino ferret!" This caused a reaction from McGonagall that sounded like something between a cough and a laugh, but Draco couldn't be positive. "Well, I don't think being called a ferret is quite as bad as being called a Mudblood, but it was still uncalled for." Dumbledore began. "I am taking fifty points from Slytherin for fighting, and another twenty for such an outburst in front of the whole school. Return to your table and I don't want to hear another peep from either of you…" What Nat found interesting about Dumbledore, was although his words were harsh, his voice wasn't, she couldn't figure the guy out.

Hagrid set them both down, and Dumbledore made them shake hands and apologize to each other in front of the whole hall. Draco looked livid.

"Well that was fun!" Nat said cheerfully when they were seated again. Draco glared at her, then found he actually had enjoyed it a bit himself. "Where'd you learn to fight so dirty?" He asked, rubbing his jaw. Neither of them had been really hurt, but they would both have a few bruises. "I have four brothers." Nat stated simply. Draco nodded, although he was an only child, he had heard plenty about siblings beating the hell out of each other. "I see…"

There were some loud whispers from further down the table, Nat turned her head, trying to hear what they were talking about, but couldn't make anything out. Then it appeared that a message was being sent in their direction, rather like the game telephone. When it reached Draco, he turned to Nat and said, "Are you really fifteen, and if so, when's your birthday?" Nat blinked before answering, "Yes, March Twenty-fifth." Draco nodded, then passed the message back down the line. Shortly afterwards a message was sent back up the table, and Draco asked, "Are you single? If so, what's your height and weight?" Nat was certainly getting perplexed by this time, but she couldn't see who had started the message sending, so she just answered. "Yes, five-four, one hundred five pounds." Draco arched an eyebrow, then sent the message back down, and a message was sent back up almost immediately, "Pansy wants to know if you'll go out with her?" Nat promptly fell out of her chair. "Nani?! Qué?! What?!" Draco repeated the question. "A girl wants to go out with me?!" Draco looked at Nat as if she were on something, then replied, "Yeah, I take it you don't get asked out much?" Nat glared at him, then stated, "I don't swing that way!" Draco scooted his chair back a few inches, "You mean you're gay?" Nat's eyebrows shot up, "No! I mean I'm not!" Draco looked as if he were getting more confused by the minute, "Wait, you're a guy, aren't you?" Nat fell out of her chair again. "No! Where the hell did you get that idea?! I haven't acted like a guy with all my pouting and shit!"

"Well, you kinda uhm… look like a guy…"

"I do not!"

"Do too! No girl has hair that short!"

"I do!"

"You're not a girl!"

"I am too!"

"Prove it!"

"Uh… How do you want me to do that?"

"Err… Never mind. Are you really a girl?"

"Yes!"

"Okay…"

Draco sends a message back down the table. A few seconds later, someone near the end falls out of their chair and laughter erupts from everyone who knew why Pansy was reacting in such a manner. Nat glowered. A few people from the other end of the table came down to see what was so funny. Once they had been told they rushed back to their ends to relay the message. There were a few high-pitched squeals from several of the girls at that end. "Looks like Pansy wasn't the only one with her eye on you…" Draco drawled, smirking. "Damn you to hell, Draco!" Nat retorted. Suddenly, Draco's eyes lit up evilly. "I have an idea!" He exclaimed, then quickly went about whispering to his flunkies who passed the message down the whole table. "What are you doing?!" Nat asked worriedly. "Well, if half the girls in our house thought you were a guy, and thought you were cute, the girls in the other houses must think so too! You can be our secret weapon!" Nat's eyebrows shot nearly to her hairline, "I don't think so! Yuck! What in the hell do you expect me to do?!" Draco grinned, "You'll see… This is going to be good…"

**Author's note: **Lalala! Uhm, yeah, guess what? I was voted cutest guy on this one message board. It was funny, my friend Maxwell, she said I could be like, cutest guy (she was joking… I hope), and then, a few days later, on this other board where I was posting pics (everyone was), I was voted cutest guy. It was scary. Uhm… Also, everyone thinks I'm like a twelve-year-old guy… I mean, people I meet, not just people who see my picture… Anyhow… Tell me if Draco is too OOC… He's kinda hard for me to write… Uhm… Should I make this fic funnier? I dunno how funny it is… I'm better at writing insane stuff, methinks. And yes, I'm working on_ Survivor II – Harry Potter Style_! I am, I am! I just haven't gotten a lot of votes this time… Pfft! Make your friends read my stuff! Lol… ^_^;;


	3. Yazlews!

Early the next morning, before breakfast, Draco and Nat were tapping a bit hesitantly on the door to Professor Snape's room

**Nat Sue  
Chapter 3**

Early the next morning, before breakfast, Draco and Nat were tapping a bit hesitantly on the door to Professor Snape's room. 'Maybe he's gone up to breakfast already?' Suggested Nat after Draco had been knocking for a solid three minutes. 'No, I seriously doubt that.' Stated Draco, continuing to knock. 'Then you must not be knocking loud enough!' Said Nat, before pounding the door with her fist three times. 'Do you want to make him mad?!' Draco exclaimed. Before Nat could reply, the door opened and a very bedraggled looking Snape glared out at them. 'What do you want?' Demanded Snape in a threatening tone. Nat took a step back, but Draco held his ground and said quite calmly: 'We need to see the Headmaster, but we don't know the password.' Snape arched an eyebrow; didn't Draco hate Dumbledore? 'Why do you want to see him?' Snape inquired. 'Nat needs to talk to him about something… Nat has a… condition… that Dumbledore needs to be aware of, as do all the professors…' Snape narrowed his eyes; obviously these two were up to something. Why was Draco now helping Nat after getting into a fistfight with her the night before? 'Well, if all the professors need to be aware of this… condition… then why don't you go ahead and tell me what it is?' Draco swallowed; he now seemed a bit nervous, how was he going to explain this to Snape? Draco took a deep breath and plunged into his explanation.

Fifteen minutes later found Draco and Nat outside Dumbledore's office. They had gotten the password from Snape after much insisting that Nat's old school had also made this exception, and it really was important that Hogwarts did as well. 'Why don't you come with me? It's your damn idea anyhow!' Nat protested as Draco physically pushed her towards the door.

'Because, it's YOUR problem… You have to be the one to tell him or he'll catch on that it's a prank!'

'But I don't want… It was your idea!'

'But YOU have to go along with it. Otherwise no one in Slytherin will accept you, stupid Mudblood…'

'Hey! At least I'm not a jerk like you are!'

Draco finished pushing her towards the door, and even knocked for her, before jogging off down the steps. Nat was about to follow him, there was no way she wanted to do this, but the door opened and there stood the headmaster. No escaping now…

'Good morning, Nat. Something you want to talk to me about?'

'Uhm… Yes... I…'

'Oh, come in, don't stand out there.'

Nat stepped into Dumbledore's office, where he gestured for her to take a seat by his desk, before seating himself on the other side. 'So, sleep well?' Dumbledore asked.

'Actually, I haven't slept yet.'

'Oh? Why not?'

'Well, I don't normally go to bed until about two in the morning my time… Which is in about an hour… So like, I figured that if I stay up all day, I'll be able to get on a proper sleeping schedule over here.'

'That makes sense, don't fall asleep during classes if you can help it though.' Said Dumbledore with a smile. Nat grinned back a little, but was feeling nervous about the real reason she was here. Was it right to lie to the headmaster? He seemed like a nice guy… But Draco would surely make her life a living hell if she didn't go along with his plan.

As if sensing her uneasiness, Dumbledore began: 'So, what was your reason for coming to my office so early in the morning? Not that I mind, I've been up for quite a while already, I'm just not used to students coming by at this hour.' Nat chewed her bottom lip, how was she going to start this? 'I uhm… You see… I was wondering if… Damn… I'm not sure how to phrase this…' Dumbledore smiled encouragingly, whatever Nat was trying to say must be important, although embarrassing as well. Somehow, Dumbledore smiling made Nat want to pull this prank. Besides for a few minor details, it really would be fun. Nat made herself blush and look as embarrassed as possible before continuing. 'Uhm… So like… I would really… really… uhm… appreciate it if… you and the professors… uhm…'

Nat paused for effect, looking around nervously, and making sure she didn't make eye contact with Dumbledore. 'If you all didn't… use… gender specific terms… when addressing me…' Nat glanced up at Dumbledore, who was looking at her questioningly. 'Why don't you want us to use gender specific terms?' Nat almost fell out of her chair. She hadn't thought that she would have to give him an explanation. 'I uh…' It was then Nat realized Dumbledore was playing with her. _Oh damn, he doesn't know I'm pulling a prank, does he? _Nat felt a bit of panic rising up in her chest.

'It's alright,' stated Dumbledore, 'I had a feeling you might make a special request about something like this when I first saw you.' Nat almost fell out of her chair, _What?! Do I really look that much like a guy?! _Nat forced herself to smile in appreciation. 'Thank you,' Dumbledore smiled back at her, but the twinkle in his blue eyes made Nat feel a bit uneasy. Was he on to her? 'Not a problem. I'll be sure to inform all the professors.' Said Dumbledore. 'Now, breakfast will be starting shortly, why don't you go catch up with your house?' Nat nodded and skipped towards the door. 'Oh, and Nat?' Nat turned back towards Dumbledore, 'Try to stay awake.' Said Dumbledore with a grin.

+++

Nat hopped into the great hall on one foot. On a whim she decided to hop on one foot all day, just for fun, or just to annoy people. Hopping over to the Slytherin table, while holding her robe up a few inches so not to trip on it, she spotted Draco making one of the other Slytherins move so that she could sit next to him. Hopping to her place at the table she sat down next to Draco, and jabbed him with her elbow in the process.

'Ouch, why'd you do that?' Draco demanded. 'Because of the pink ponies!' said Nat ecstatically. 'You have mental problems…' began Draco. 'Yup!' Nat exclaimed a bit too loudly, as all the other tables looked over. 'Oops…' Said Nat more quietly. 'So how did it go?' Asked Draco in a whisper. 'Well, I think… He said he expected me to make a similar request… What did he mean by that?!' Draco smirked but didn't answer. Nat leaned back in her chair and watched the head table where Dumbledore was talking to the rest of the teachers. Nat smirked, nudged Draco, and gestured towards the table. Draco nodded, smirking, and turned to the breakfast that had appeared on the table.

+++

Several hours later found Nat hopping very slowly towards her next class: Care of Magical Creatures. Nat was certain that this was going to be one class that she despised, the reasons being that Hagrid, that big oaf was teaching it, and that it was outdoors. Outdoors?! Unheard of. Nat hated being outside unless it was raining or night, and currently it was neither. Nat could see the group of students already gathered near the back of Hagrid's hut. Hopping a bit faster, Nat made her way over to them. Her leg was really starting to hurt, but she'd already annoyed several people by hopping, so she had to keep it up. She was also very tired, she had now been awake for almost thirty hours, and normally she slept quite a lot. Finally reaching the rest of the students, she stopped hopping and stood next to Draco. 'What are we doing?' Nat whispered in Draco's ear. 'Shh, you'll see,' came the reply. Nat half-listened, half-dozed through whatever Hagrid was going on about. She could barely understand his dumb accent anyway, so what difference did it make? The next thing Nat knew, Draco was poking her in the ribs trying to get her to wake up, she'd evidently fallen asleep standing up. 'Hey, stupid, we're getting paired up.' Draco told her. 'Oh, right… What?' Draco rolled his eyes, 'We're paired up with the bloody Gryffindors. What Hagrid is thinking, I don't know, he's an idiot.' Nat rubbed her eyes, 'What's wrong with being paired with Gryffindors?' Draco shot her a look of disgust, then pushed her into line as Hagrid began pairing the houses up up.

Nat snoozed until she heard her name called. She was being paired with some girl with some freakish name. Nat began to hop over, but Draco grabbed her by the shoulder. 'This is perfect!' he hissed in her ear. 'Try and get to be friends with her. Talk about being Muggle-born and shit like that!' Nat started to ask why, but Draco's name was called and he sauntered off to join a boy named Seamus, looking very ticked at the whole thing. Nat continued towards a girl with frizzy brown hair, forgetting to hop as she did so. 

'Yellow,' greeted Nat lazily as she stopped in front of the girl. 'Hello,' the girl replied not looking too thrilled about the pairing. Nat rubbed her eyes, trying to stay awake. 'I'm Hermione,' the other girl said after a pause. 'You're what?' Nat asked, 'Hermione.' The girl replied. 'Uhm… Is that, like, a real name? Or some kind of impairment?' Hermione frowned before replying, 'Yes, it is a real name.' Nat raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. 'So you're Nat, right?' Hermione inquired. Nat nodded. At that time Hagrid said loudly: 'Arright, now yeh' c'n see t' yer critters. Now mind yeh' are careful!' Nat looked around, 'What 'critters'? And why is Draco so upset about being paired up with you guys? And why are we paired up with you guys anyhow? And what ever happened to the rabbits? Do you have any magic white powder on you?' Hermione opened her mouth to reply, then shut it again as she wasn't sure which question to answer first. She did this twice more before she began: 'The Slytherins and Gryffindors have always been rivals, and pretty much hate each other. But Hagrid paired us together because the creatures we're looking after today must be taken care of by two people who don't like each other. You see, they thrive on the negative energy coming from the people; it's their food source in a way. If the people like each other and there's positive energy between them, the yazlews will wither and die. The yazlews being the creatures we're taking care of… And no, I don't have magic white powder; you shouldn't do drugs they're bad for you. What rabbits? Are you asleep? Uhm…' Hermione prodded Nat in the ribs. Nat jerked her head up, 'Oh, right, no white powder, rabbits… yes. Okay.' Hermione sighed and walked off towards a pen. Nat followed slowly, wishing she could curl up and sleep somewhere.

Nat leaned over the fence and poked the creature with a stick. It was a slimy, yellow creature, about the size of a cat, but walked on short, claw-like legs, and rather resembled a slug. It had antennas, which it kept waving about, as slime dripped from them. It didn't have any eyes, that Nat could see anyway, and was, in Nat's opinion, the most disgusting thing she had ever seen, short of that porno site she had ended up at by typing in a URL wrong. 'Don't do that!' Hermione hissed, trying to take the stick away from Nat. 'Why not?' Nat demanded, she was getting a migraine, the outdoors did not agree with her, and she was dead tired. 'Because you'll hurt it!' Hermione said, glaring. 'Who the hell cares? It's a gay-ass creature that is so disgusting it shouldn't be allowed to live!' Nat declared a bit too loudly, for all the other pairs turned to look at her, as did Hagrid. Draco glared at Nat, if she didn't become friends with Hermione; his plan was going to be ruined. But Nat wasn't paying attention to anyone; she just wanted everyone to shut up so she could sleep.

Hermione had gotten a leash on the yazlew, and was walking it around, with Nat slowly hopping along behind. Nat was nearly asleep, and didn't notice where she was going until she bumped right into Vincent Crabbe. Without thinking, Vincent turned and slugged Nat as hard as he could in the stomach. Being nearly twice her size, he easily knocked her flat on her back, and Nat had the wind knocked out of her. Trying to catch her breath, Nat was now fully awake, and furious. As soon as she could breath she pounced on Crabbe, catching him off guard and knocking him to the ground. Once she had Crabbe on the ground, she kneed him hard in the stomach, and gave him her best left-hook in the jaw. Not wanting to miss out on the fun, Goyle rushed over and pushed Nat roughly off Crabbe before punching her across the face. Nat wiped the blood that was now all but flowing from her nose, and gave Goyle a swift kick right where it counted. Unfortunately for Nat, Crabbe was now back on his feet, and after her again. A crowd of both Slytherins and Gryffindors were gathered around Nat, Crabbe, and Goyle, chanting 'Fight! Fight!' over and over.

Nat wondered offhandedly where Hagrid was, and if he was going to break up their fight before she caused any real damage. Draco was pushing through the crowd trying to reach Nat; it did him no good if Nat and his flunkies hated each other. Nat picked a rock up off the ground and threw it at Crabbe, nailing him dead between the eyes with it. Crabbe fell backwards, holding his head, and the crowd quickly back-stepped to avoid being crushed by him. Draco reached the center of the circle and tried to hold back Goyle, who was getting up again to go after Nat, with no success. 'Goyle! Stop it!' Draco yelled as his flunky. Goyle ignored him and grabbed Nat, pinning her to the ground. Nat was in trouble now, although she was faster and smarter than both Crabbe and Goyle, she was no match for their strength. Nat wriggled under Goyle, trying to get free. She was vaguely aware of Draco screaming for them to stop, but was thinking of a way to get out of Goyle's grasp. Gathering both mucus and saliva in her mouth, she spit in Goyle's face, hitting him in the eye. Many of the girls watching screeched at this gross tactic, but a few of the guys applauded. Now that Goyle was distracted, Nat was able to wriggle out from under him and as soon as she was standing she gave him a good kick in the head, knocking him unconscious. Standing amidst both Crabbe and Goyle's unconscious forms, Nat smirked and straightened her robes.

'What the hell?! Nat, what in the fucking hell were you fighting with them about?!' Draco exclaimed, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her. Being shaken hurt like hell, Nat seemed to be more injured than she had thought and Draco wasn't helping any. Not to mention the fact he was yelling at her, which would have pissed her off if she had been having a good day, which she wasn't right now. 'Shut the fuck up!' Nat yelled back at him, before punching him across the jaw. This infuriated Draco, and he nailed her back as hard as he could, causing her to take several steps back. The crowd resumed their chant of 'Fight! Fight!' Nat threw herself at Draco, tackling him to the ground, where she pinned him and punched him repeatedly. Draco brought his knee up and kneed her in the stomach, knocking her off of him. He then pinned her to the ground and punched her until she reached up and grabbed his hair and pulled him off her. Pretty soon, Nat and Draco were just a ball of black robes as they rolled around, hitting and clawing at each other.

Hermione was beginning to panic; they were really going to hurt each other if they weren't stopped soon. Sure she didn't like Draco, and Nat didn't seem to be a person she would ever want to hang out with, but she couldn't just let them kill each other. Where was Hagrid? Hermione dragged her yazlew back to the pen and shoved it inside, frantically scanning Hogwarts grounds for Hagrid. _Where…? He wouldn't just leave during a lesson! Where is he?! _Then Hermione spotted him, he was quite a ways off, with Lavender and Pansy whose yazlew had run off towards the whomping willow. Hermione took off towards him, running as fast as she could. She hoped she could get him to break up the fight before anyone died.

Normally Nat enjoyed a good fistfight, but fighting Crabbe and Goyle had taken its toll on her, and she was having trouble keeping up with Draco. She got a few good punches in, but was losing the fight. _I will not lose to a stuck up albino ferret! _Nat thought angrily, hitting Draco in the left eye. Draco retaliated by whacking Nat's head repeatedly against the ground. Nat flipped over abruptly, putting Draco underneath her. Going for his neck with her fingernails, she clawed at him, resembling a rabid animal. Draco flipped them over onto their sides, Nat continued clawing, but it wasn't doing a lot of good, so she started biting instead. Shortly after getting a good bite in on Draco's neck, Nat was yanked one way, and Draco the other, and they were both held up, about two feet off the ground, by the backs of their robes. 'Wha' are yeh' fighin' 'bout now?!' Hagrid demanded as he held the two apart. Neither Draco nor Nat answered, they were both struggling to get out of Hagrid's hold and reach each other. 'Ron, go geht Pomfrey. 'Arry, you an' 'Ermione go geht the 'eadmaster and Snape.' Hagrid said, turning towards three of the Gryffindor students, who quickly headed towards the castle following Hagrid's orders. 'The rest of yeh 'ed back t' yer common room. Class is dismissed.'The rest of the students reluctantly filed towards the castle.

Hagrid was still holding Draco and Nat up by the robes when Madame Pomfrey, Dumbledore, Snape, Harry, Ron, and Hermione reached him. 'Oh my! What happened?!' Exclaimed Pomfrey as she bent down to check on the unconscious Crabbe and Goyle. 'These two were fightin' agin'.' Hagrid said grimly setting Nat and Draco on the ground, but not letting go of their robes. Nat was wiping at her bloody nose and spitting blood on the ground; while Draco had one hand cupped over his left eye, and his other hand clutching at his ribs. Madame Pomfrey summoned some stretchers and got Crabbe and Goyle moved onto them. Harry, Ron, and Hermione were watching Nat and Draco with interest. Why did they hate each other so much? They were both Slytherins, it just didn't make any sense. Nat was trying to avoid meeting Dumbledore's eyes, she almost felt bad for fighting, even if it hadn't been she that had started it. Draco was likewise trying to avoid meeting Snape's eyes; his head of house could be quite harsh, although he usually favored Draco. Dumbledore sighed, and then turned to Harry, Ron, and Hermione. 'You three head to your next class. Thank you for getting me.' The three nodded and headed off towards the castle, talking excitedly about Draco getting the hell beat out of him and Nat not being afraid to fight both Crabbe and Goyle, without magic of any kind. Dumbledore turned back to Nat and Draco, 'Now, what am I going to do with you two?'

**Note: **Well, that chapter wasn't all that funny, I know. But I had to set some stuff up. Next chapter is either potions or transfiguration, I haven't decided yet… Those will be a lot funnier. Uhm, okay, is Draco OOC? And I don't think I have Hagrid's accent right… Help? Also, did I get the name of Hagrid's class right? I feel so blonde… I couldn't find it in the books, so I'm not sure if I got it right or not… How am I doing on Dumbledore's personality? This is the first time I've tried writing a lot of these characters, and I'd like them to stay in character, with Nat being the only real nutcase. How am I doing? Please, please, please, let me know if I need to change anything! Thank you to my lovely reviewers and the three people that have this fic on their favorites list. *Huge hug* Please feel free to criticize anything you don't think works too well in this fic. Just no flames if you can help it. ^_^ Thanks!

**Disclaimer: **The Harry Potter universe belongs to J.K. Rowling. If I owned them, the series would be called 'Severus Snape'. I own Nat and the yazlews (stupid name, I know). Please don't use either elsewhere without my permission. Do not consume alcoholic beverages or magic white powder while reading this fic.


	4. Classes!

Nat Sue Chapter 4 Nat Sue  
****Chapter 4

_Scrisch_

_Scrisch_

Nat ran the brush in circles over the stone floor. The sudsy water was soaking the bottom of her robe a she kneeled on the floor of the Great Hall. Draco was working as far away as possible, running the brush along the floor with his foot, so not to get suds on himself. He hadn't spoken to Nat since their fight, and as he considered this type of work FAR below him, he probably wouldn't be speaking to her anytime soon. Nat sighed and pushed the puddle of water around on the floor. There was no way they could clean the whole hall, it would take days! Dumbledore had set them to work scrubbing the floor, with no magic, right after dinner, and it was now nearing on midnight. Nat surveyed their job, so far they had scrubbed about a sixth of the hall, and she felt as if she were about to die from exhaustion. Scrubbing the hall would have been hard enough if she had been rested, but she hadn't slept in forty hours and could hardly keep her eyes open. _Dumbledore sure isn't the nice old guy I thought he was... _Nat thought grouchily. _I'll have to remember to pay him back for this... _Besides making Draco and Nat scrub the Great Hall, Dumbledore had taken fifty points from Slytherin, and assigned detention for two weeks for everyone involved in the fight. Nat didn't quite grasp the whole concept of house points, as no had explained them to her, but losing them was evidently not good for your relationship with your house.

Nat glanced over at Draco, she hadn't realized what a stuck-up, pampered, jerk he was. He was acting like the brush would kill him if it came in contact with his skin, and as if the soapy water posed a health risk. Of course Nat shirked work whenever possible, she was quite well known at home for doing such, but when she had to work she didn't do a half-ass job like Draco was doing. _I wonder, if Draco is so disgusted by this, how long would he survive in Indiana? I bet he'd freak the moment a pig came near him... _Nat amused herself for the next half hour with ways she would torture Draco if they were in Indiana. _Maybe make him sheer a sheep or muck a stall..._

Nat was more than half asleep, dreaming about getting Draco to ride a pig, when she was shaken lightly awake. Nat blinked and glanced around; no one was there. Draco was still on the other side of the room, lazily kicking the brush around. Nat stood up, someone had woken her, she was sure, but where were they? _Could they be... Invisible? _Nat kicked over one of the buckets of water near her, and watched the floor where it spilled. _There! _The water parted in the shape of a pair of footprints, not three feet away from Nat. _I knew someone was there!_ The footprints were holding dead still, as if in hopes that Nat couldn't see them, as she hadn't given any indication that she had. Nat picked up the other bucket, and looked around exaggeratedly as if she had no idea where the invisible person was standing. Nat scratched her head for effect, turning around and gazing across the huge room as if still looking, before she whipped around and splashed the water from the bucket in the direction on the invisible person. The water made contact, and Nat could make out the shape of someone in a cloak by the way the water ran down to the floor. The invisible person cursed under his breath, Nat recognized the voice as being male, before he dashed off towards the door.

Nat ran as fast as she could after the invisible person, ignoring Draco's shout of "What the hell are you doing now?!", first following the sloshing of the footsteps in water, and then following the trail of water that was still running from the cloak. Nat trailed the invisible person through winding corridors, up and down flights of steps, and through several secret passages, until she was incredibly lost. _Does he know where he's going? _Nat thought, all traces of exhaustion had disappeared, and Nat felt fully awake, and more alert than she had ever felt before. Nat was now right on the invisible person's heels, literally, and she stepped on the back of the person's cloak, causing them both to fall into a suit of armor, with Nat landing on top of the mystery person, and the armor landing on top of her.

"Ouch," Nat groaned, trying to get the armor off her back, without unpinning the person beneath her. After quite a bit of struggling, Nat was able to sit up on top of her 'prisoner', who was being unusually quiet, and demand, "Who the hell are you?" Nat sat for what seemed like forever on top of the invisible person without getting an answer. "Do you think that if you don't say anything, I'll forget you're there?" Nat demanded, punctuating her question with a punch. This got an "Oof!" for a reply, and Nat complemented herself on her ability to make people talk. "Well?" Nat asked sweetly, taking a different approach. "Well, what?" came the muffled response. "Who are you?" Nat inquired, picking up a gauntlet off the floor and dropping it where she assumed the invisible person's head was. "Ouch! Let me up, and I'll show you." came the reply. Nat frowned, and grabbed hold of the cloak to enable the person from running off again, as she slid herself off.

A few minutes later, Nat was staring into the face of Harry Potter, as she had him pinned against the wall.  
"So WHY were you spying on me?!"  
"I told you! I was just goofing around!"  
"Why did you wake me up?!"  
"Because you'd get in trouble if you were found sleeping by one of the professors! I was trying to help!"  
"I didn't ask for help!"  
"I was just trying to be nice!"  
"Why the hell... You were?"  
"Yes!"  
"Oh..."  
Nat released Harry from her grip, and let him step away from her a bit. Nat rubbed her eyes, her rush was wearing off and she felt like she would fall over from exhaustion if she didn't get to bed shortly. "Hey, are you okay?" Nat blinked, and tried to focus on Harry, but her vision kept blurring and she felt as if the room were spinning. "Let's get you back to the Hall... Before Mrs. Norris finds us." Harry began, reaching out and taking Nat by the arm.

Nat dozed as she walked, a skill she had picked up from reffing soccer. It seemed to take both ages and only minutes to get back to the Great Hall. Harry left her at the door, slipping his invisibility cloak on, and disappearing back up to his dorm. Nat stepped back into the great hall, to be met with an annoyed looking Draco and a very, very, unhappy looking Snape. "Where did you go?" Snape demanded. "I... Uhm... The bathroom?"

+++

Morning came much too early for Nat, as she started the day off by falling out of bed. Gathering her clothes she stumbled off towards the bathroom to take a nice hot shower. Of course, she had slept in a bit later than the rest of the girls dorms, and all the shower stalls were occupied. Rubbing her temples, Nat decided to content herself with just brushing her teeth and washing her face, or course, all the sinks were occupied as the older Slytherin girls applied their makeup. Cursing her luck, Nat decided to play the role of a pushy American, and shove her way to the sinks. Cutting several first years, and coming up behind a bitchy-looking girl of about her own age, she cleared her throat and began in her rudest tone: "Do you mind? I'd like to use the sink sometime this year, and all the makeup in the world isn't going to help you, so why don't you step aside?" The girl at the sink turned around to glare at Nat. "As if! At least I don't look like a guy!" Nat arched an eyebrow to the best of her ability (she'd never been able to do it properly, no matter how hard she tried), and realized who she was talking to. "Oh, you're Pansy, aren't you? My, my, if I were you I'd be half way to China by now, embarrassing yourself the way you did. Thought I was cute, didju? How amusing..." Pansy glared at Nat, before her face changed and she looked as if she were about to burst into tears. This made Nat grin, upsetting people was her specialty. "Move along!" Nat said, shoving Pansy away from the sink, and watching in the mirror as Pansy ran back to her dorm, probably to cry.

Sharing the sink with two first years, Nat brushed her teeth and applied the small amount of makeup she wore, mainly to make her complexion even. Nat noticed the two first years looking at her with a kind of awe, or was it a look of 'what the hell is wrong with this person'? Nat shrugged and gathered her stuff, going back to her dorm to get dressed. Nat changed into her school robes quickly, and, on a whim, grabbed a bottle of hair gel, squirting a glob into her hands, and then running them through her hair to spike it straight up. Making a mental note to get as many piercings as possible at the soonest opportunity, Nat skipped off to breakfast, grabbing a few supplies on the way.

+++

Skipping into the Great Hall, which she and Draco no longer had to clean as Dumbledore decided the loss of house points and two weeks of detention were enough, Nat took the longest route possible to get to her seat. Turning right when she entered the hall, she walked past the Hufflepuff table, and turned left when she came to the wall, walking up the length of the Gryffindor table. As she passed Harry, she pulled out a mini-firecracker she had conveniently placed in her pocket, lighted it with one of her ever-present matches, and tossed it under the table so it landed at his feet. Continuing her walk, and calmly ignoring the sound of the firecracker going off and the yells from the Gryffindor table, Nat walked across the middle of the hall, up near the head table (none of the professors were yet present), and passed the Ravenclaw table, before turning left and walking down between the Ravenclaw and Slytherin tables. Pulling a few paint bombs from her robe, Nat chucked them across the hall, where they pelted several Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors. Rounding the Slytherin table so that she was as as far from he door as possible, Nat pulled more paint bombs from her robe and chucked them at the Ravenclaws. Seating herself at the table, Nat calmly raised her glass to her lips and surveyed the slight mayhem she had caused. About thirty students had large splotches of neon paint on them, and Harry's robes had been singed, but no real damage had been done. The part Nat found amusing, was she had done this and no one had noticed it was her, although she was sure that many suspected. _If only people were more observant... At least they can't place the blame on me, as I wasn't near any of the tables when people got pelted. The best they can say is that I walked all over the hall, big whoop._

Nat chewed lazily on the rim of her cup, where were the professors? Breakfast had already appeared on the tables, but the professors were nowhere to be seen. Taking a sip of her drink, Nat felt a strange sensation come over her. It was like her insides had fallen asleep, her whole body was tingling, and her hands were turning a bright shade of blue. "What the hell?!" Nat exclaimed, and was shocked to hear her voce, it sounded as if she had inhaled helium. Turning her head to look at Draco, who was seated a few people down, Nat was alarmed to see both Pansy and Draco smirking at her, with several other Slytherins beginning to burst into laughter. _How did Pansy get here before I did? Oh, I walked around all the tables, she must have gotten here while I was doing that... Okay well... Uhm... I'm blue... And my voice is higher pitched than normal... No need to panic... No need to... What the hell was in that drink?!_ Keeping her exterior as calm as possible, Nat stood up, and walked the short distance down to where Draco and Pansy were both chuckling. "What the hell did you give me to drink, Draco?" Draco smirked, but didn't answer. Pansy grinned at Nat, trying to give her best 'I'm so innocent look', which failed miserably. "Draco, what was in that?" Nat demanded, and the table burst out laughing. Nat's voice was getting higher and higher pitched by the second, and her skin was also getting bluer. Knowing she wouldn't be able to get an answer out of any of them, Nat stalked towards the door, in hopes she could find a way to cure herself in one of her books. Of course, Nat had to pass the Ravenclaw table as she left, and as she did many of the Ravenclaws burst into laughter, drawing the attention of the Hufflepuffs, who burst into laughter, which drew the attention of the Gryffindors, who also burst into laughter. Gritting her teeth, Nat did her best to ignore the laughing students and after what seemed like an incredibly long walk, she reached the door, bumping right into her head of house.

+++

"I didn't do anything!" Nat persisted, as she, Dumbledore, and Snape stood in a small room annex to the Great Hall. Snape had retrieved a potion from his office, which Nat had drunk and returned to normal fairly quickly, although her hands and feet still felt a bit tingly. "I don't think anyone would play such a prank on you unprovoked." stated Dumbledore calmly. "All I did today was make Pansy stop hogging the mirror! And Draco's flunkies were the ones that started the fight yesterday, I was only defending myself! Draco just decided to step in and give me whiplash, he didn't even need to get involved. And further more, you never even let me explain what happened and why we were fighting! You just assumed that I started it, which I didn't! And-" Dumbledore held up his hand to silence Nat, "You were still participating in the fight, you could have backed off and gotten a professor for help. But you chose to stay and fight, which is why you were punished."  
"I'd like to see you 'back off' when you have a guy twice your size punching you! And there SHOULD have been a professor present, but that dorkhead was off somewhere doing God knows what!" Nat exclaimed, looking as if she'd like to punch the living daylights out of Dumbledore himself. Snape stepped forward and put a restraining hand in front of Nat, as if he were worried Nat would pounce on Dumbledore. Dumbledore however, stayed very calm, "Hagrid was helping two students whose yazlew had put them in grave danger. There is no way he could have been two places at once. And, I do believe you are quite a bit smarter than Draco's 'flunkies' and if you had used your head, you would have found a way to avoid the fight." Nat glowered at him, the guy had an excuse for everything! _Stupid adults, always have to believe that they're right, and their way is the only way to do something. _"Now, Nat, why don't you head back to the hall and get some breakfast? Don't let this incident ruin your entire day."  
"I'm not going back in there!" Nat nearly shrieked, showing more emotion than she would have liked. "Why not?" Dumbledore inquired, his expression questioning. _What a moron, I'm not going to go back in there where they'll laugh at me and pull more pranks! _Thought Nat, but said nothing. "If you don't go back in, you're only letting them win. You need to show that you're not afraid, and go in with your head up and don't let them beat you down." Dumbledore said, sounding like a sap in Nat's opinion, although he did have a point. "Whatever," Nat replied, turning to leave the room, and reenter the Great Hall.

+++

Muttering the spell under her breath, Nat waved her wand a little at the toad sitting on the table in front of her. _Damnit, change you stupid thing, you're making me look bad!_ The fifth year Slytherins and Ravenclaws were attempting to transfigure toads into dictionaries, and Nat couldn't even get her toad to change at all. Being that there was an odd number of students in the class, Nat had a table to herself, in the very back of the room, which she was grateful for as it spared her the embarrassment she was sure to face at her feeble attempts to transfigure. Glancing at the clock on the wall, Nat realized that she only had fifteen minutes left to transfigure the toad. McGonagall was walking the aisle which separated the two houses, giving advice and pointing out errors where needed. Draco had transfigured his toad long ago, and was browsing the dictionary, making sure it was complete, in the style text he wanted, and looked better than anyone else's. _At least he takes his schoolwork seriously,_ Nat thought, glancing up at him. He still wasn't talking to her, and her attempts to strike up any sort of conversation with any of the Slytherins failed miserably.

McGonagall reached Nat's table, and pursed her lips. Not only was Nat a troublemaker, she couldn't transfigure at all. Nat was hopelessly lost, mumbling the spell over and over, while waving her wand a bit. She reminded McGonagall much of a first year, totally clueless. "Having trouble?" McGonagall asked quietly, trying not to draw the attention of the other students, a fifth year that couldn't even begin to transfigure would be given hell by the whole school. Nat glanced up quickly at McGonagall, then nodded. "I can't even get any words to appear... Although I got it to stop moving... But that might be because I think I killed it..." McGonagall couldn't help but smile a bit at Nat's predicament, "Well, let's see..." McGonagall picked up the toad and turned it over in her hand, "Yes, it's quite dead... Although I think... You transfigured its insides, but not its outsides." Nat frowned, a lot of good that did her. "Have you always had trouble with transfigurations?" McGonagall asked. "I've never done transfiguration before..." Nat said quietly. McGonagall raised her eyebrows in surprise, how could she have never transfigured before? McGonagall put her thought into words. "Well, see, I'm homeschooled... Uhm... My parents thought that the schools would be a bad influence, and you see, the normal schools have a lot of violence... And so, I never went to wizarding school in America, because my parents suspected that it wasn't a lot better than normal schools, so I only got the books... I've read through the seventh year, I just... Never actually cast any spells since I made my brother's head grow to the size of a tire..." McGonagall's mouth twitched up in a slight smile. "Well, I don't have enough time to really help you with transfiguration, but I can get you a tutor. As for your other classes... I may have to have a talk with Dumbledore. But we'll figure something out. Now gather your stuff, you can work on transfiguring a toad another time." Nat flashed McGonagall a grateful smile, and grabbed her bag as the bell rung.

+++

**Note: **Ah! Another chapter! In the same week! Okay, well, I think Project was right, Draco was a bit OOC in the earlier chapters. I hope I made him snobbier and more Draco-ish in this one, although he only has one line. Yes, this was again, a set-up chapter. I didn't get everything I wanted set up in the last chapter, which is why I had to write another not-so-funny one. BUT! Next chapter is potions, AND Nat will get her pets. What pets? You'll see. Now that Nat has McGonagall's sympathy, she can be even more troublesome. And... Uhm... Some fun stuff will happen shortly! ^^;; So how did I do with this chapter? People still in character? TMP! Oh, and BTW, transfigurations WILL be a lot funnier later, like I said, I needed to set stuff up. Oh, and I will start on the next chapter of HP Survivor II tomorrow... Or some time... ^^;; Thank you all for your reviews on all my stuff!

Okay, now, can someone list for me as many Hogwarts classes as they an think of? I want to make a schedule for Nat so I know what she should be doing on what days. Also, if you know what house the Slytherins are in each class with, it would be really helpful. ^^ Also, I assume that school starts in August in England? Because I wanted Nat to come to Hogwarts in October, but in time for Halloween. So if anyone knows the date that school usually starts in England, TMP! Oh, and I was thinking about eventually getting Nat to play Quidditch. What do you guys think? Does that make her TOO Mary Sue-ish? (Well it is a Mary Sue spoof...) I was thinking she might play Chaser, as I play forward (well normally mid) in soccer... She wouldn't necessarily be a great player, although she'd be good. Whatcha think? TMP! (TMP means Tell Me Please, I know you were all going WTF?!)

**Disclaimer:** J.K. Rowling owns the HP universe. *sigh* If I owned the series, things would be a lot funnier. And Harry would die. Repeatedly. Don't sniff scented nail polish remover... On second thought, why is it scented if you're not supposed to sniff?


	5. Potions!

Nat Sue Chapter 5

**Nat Sue  
Chapter 5**

_Scratch_

_Scratch_

Nat rolled over in bed, pulling the pillow over head. It was Friday morning, and far too early to wake up in Nat's opinion.

_Scratch_

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_What in the hell is that?!_ Nat thought angrily to herself as the noise persisted.

_Scratch_

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"Damnit..." Pulling the pillow off her head, Nat surveyed her dorm. It was empty. All of her dorm-mates had evidently already headed up to breakfast.

_Scratch_

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"What in the hell is that?!" Nat demanded, speaking to the empty room.

_Scratch_

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"If whatever is doing that doesn't friggin' stop right this second, I'm gonna kill it!" Nat screeched, putting the pillow over her head once again.

_Scratch_

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"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" Nat screamed, sitting up in bed and looking around. The window. The sound was coming from a small, high window near Nat's bed. Hopping out of bed with the grace of a legless rabbit, Nat stood under the window pondering how to get up to it.

_Scratch_

_Scratch_

"Stop that!" Nat yelled, throwing a hairbrush from a nearby dresser at the window. The dresser. Nat pulled the heavy dresser the few feet to the window, and promptly climbed on top.

_Scratch_

_Scratch_

"Alright!" Nat exclaimed, as she struggled to open the window. From the looks of it, the window had probably not been opened in many, many years. The window opened suddenly with a BANG! Glass shattering as the pane broke, shards falling into Nat's face. "Damnit! Friggin' hell!" Nat yelped, jumping backwards off the dresser and landing on her feet on some particularly large shards of glass. "Fuck!" Nat screeched, falling onto her back on more shards. "SHIT!" Nat yelled loud enough that she was sure the whole school hear her.  
Trying to avoid putting her hands in too much glass as she sat up, Nat let out another scream as a huge owl swooped practically into her face and deposited a letter in her lap. "What the hell?!" Before Nat could grab anything to throw at the bird, the owl flew back out the window and into the sky. "Friggin' thing..." Nat grumbled before turning her attention to the letter. She'd seen other students receive mail by owl before, but who would be sending her a letter? Her family? She hoped not. They would ruin her fun.  
Turning the letter over in her hand she groaned at the sight of her mother's handwriting. Damn.  
Tearing open the envelope, Nat began reading the letter, forgetting entirely about the fact she was sitting in glass and bleeding.

_How's school? Hope this gets to you, not sure exactly how you work these owls. Why can't they have email at your school? Hope you're staying out of trouble. Set a good example of what Americans are like, don't blow anything up or kill anybody. I don't want to hear about you making bomb threats either.  
You're allowed to have pets at school, aren't you? Fluffy and Jim-Bob have been causing a lot of trouble, and if you can't keep them at school, I'm going to have to take them to the humane society. They're terrorizing the cats! Talk to your principal and write me back as soon as you get permission.  
Take care and have fun. STAY OUT OF TROUBLE._

_-Everyone_

Nat frowned. Fluffy and Jim-Bob! No way could they be sent to the humane society! Time to have a talk with Dumbledore!

+++

Ten minutes later found Nat racing into the great hall, robe pulled on hastily over the first clothes she picked up. She hadn't bothered to wash the blood off, she figured she could do that later, Fluffy and Jim-Bob were top priority! Besides, what's a few shards of glass embedded in your skin when your pets are at stake?  
Dashing up the center of the great hall, where most of the students were finishing their breakfasts, Nat ran straight up to the head table and hopped onto it, putting her face level with Dumbledore's.  
"Hi!" Nat exclaimed to Dumbledore's rather shocked face. Dumbledore blinked, focusing on Nat's unnervingly close face and all too cheerful smile. She had to be up to something. "Well, hello Nat. Sleep late? What on earth happened to your face? And you hands? What have you been up to?" Nat blinked, then realized she probably had blood running all down her face by this point. "Oh, there was this window, okay? and now it's not there anymore!" Nat giggled a bit at the thought of a broken window. "Oh, I see, well what has prompted you to sit on my table instead of go to the infirmary?" Nat blinked, "I'm not sitting! I'm kneeling! And I didn't know there was an infirmararararary! Whatcha do there? One time I went ice skating!" Dumbledore blinked, trying to understand what ice skating had to do with an infirmary. After a few seconds he gave up trying to figure it out, they probably had nothing to do with each other.  
"An infirmary is where you go when you get hurt."  
"Like a doctor?"  
"Yes, like a doctor."  
"I hate the doctor. I hate grape flavored things too."  
"Why are you sitting on my table?"  
"I'm kneeling!"  
"Why are you kneeling on my table?"  
"Because I wanna talk to you!"  
"About what? Can you stand instead?"  
"Okay."  
Nat repositioned herself, then pulled herself to a standing position on the table.  
"Okay! Standing now!"  
"I meant on the floor..."  
"Oh, but right now I'm tall! Yeah!"  
"And the whole hall is staring..."  
"Really? Cool."  
"Why don't you come stand over here on the floor? And let me fix those scratches?"  
"I like standing on the table."  
"Nat, please stand on the floor."  
"Fine!"  
Nat hopped off the table next to Dumbledore's chair and faced him, pouting slightly.  
"Hold still." Dumbledore told her, then cast a spell and began healing the cuts on Nat's face. "So what did you want to talk to me about so badly?" Dumbledore inquired, and he cast another spell to clean the blood off Nat. "Oh, yeah! I almost forgot! I'm allowed to have pets right?" Nat shot Dumbledore her most innocent smile. "You are allowed to have one pet." Dumbledore stated as he finished cleaning the blood off Nat's hands.  
"One?! As in uno? Une? Ichi? Not two? As in dos? Or.. Ni? Or... other words for two?"  
"Sorry, only one."  
"But, but, but..."  
"But?"  
"But Jim-Bob and Fluffy are gonna be sent to the humane society if I don't take care of them! And no one will adopt them and they'll die! I don't want them to die! Do YOU want them to die?"  
"No, but I'm sure that..."  
"Oh my god, I can't believe it, you'd let them be sent to their deaths?! How horrible! You're cruel and terrible!"  
"Nat, calm down. Now... What kind of animals are they?"  
"They're... Lizards."  
"Lizards? Well that shouldn't be too much of a problem..."  
"I can have them both?"  
"Yes, but you HAVE to take care of them."  
"Well duh... I mean, thank you!"  
"Now, why don't you go get some breakfast? Classes will be starting shortly."  
Nat shot Dumbledore a grateful smile before skipping around the table to join her housemates.

+++

Nat's first class of the day was double potions. And lucky her, her own housemates disliked her already, and the Gryffindors naturally hated all the Slytherins. This was going to suck. When the Slytherins entered the dungeon classroom, everyone immediately took a seat, leaving no place for Nat to sit. The Gryffindors filed in shortly after the Slytherins, taking the seats on the other side of the room. Nat stood in the middle, unsure of what she should do.  
Snape swept in the room a moment later, black cape billowing out, scowl darkening his face. Nat turned to face him, flashing her cutest smile. "Konnichiwa Snape-sama! Where should I sit? I came in and I was kinda like 'darn, there isn't an extra chair for me!' so maybe I should just go back to my dorm and take a nap? That sounds like a good idea, doesn't it?" Snape frowned at her, this girl was certainly more than he bargained for, after all the havoc she'd caused in her first week, Snape was beginning to regret accepting her into his house. "You can sit with Draco." Snape said, then turned and headed to his desk. "But I don't WANT to sit next to the albino-ferret-boy!" Nat whined, getting several chuckles from the Gryffindors and glares from the Slytherins. Snape turned, facing her again. "Then sit next to Granger." Snape stated, challenging Nat. "Okies!" Nat shouted, striking a pose by showing a peace sign. "Oh, wait, who's Granger?" Nat looked around the room. "Hermione Granger. From Gryffindor." Snape said, pointing to a girl with bushy brown hair. "Oh! The girl with the name that sounds like a disease!" Nat said excitedly as she hopped over to a chair Snape had summoned at Hermione's table. Several Slytherins chuckled at Nat's comment about Hermione's name, but Draco sent Nat a glare that clearly said 'watch yourself'. He might think Nat was annoying, but he still wanted her to pull off his plan. 

+++

"No, don't put that in yet!" Hermione warned just as Nat tossed in some strange blue pellets. "Why not?" Nat asked lazily, yawning as she pulled some gum out of her pocket to chew. "Because it's going to--" Harry started as the potion began to bubble and boil over. Bright blue foam spilled over the edge of the cauldron and onto the table where it began to eat through the wood. "Damn..." Nat said, as she calmly scooted her chair back and unwrapped her gum.  
"POTTER! GRANGER!" Snape yelled, striding over from his desk. With a quick spell the potion had cleaned itself up, although there was still a large hole in the table. "Potter, I don't need you making trouble in my class!" Snape snapped, turning to face Harry. "But... But sir, I'm not even at their table!" Harry said from the table behind Nat and Hermione. Snape ignored him. "And you, Granger, little miss know-it-all, I clearly said not to add the foxglove pellets until after you stirred! Fifty points off Gryffindor for ruining the table, and another twenty for not listening to instructions!" Hermione looked like she was about to say something, but shut her mouth. Snape began heading back to his desk.  
"Snape-sama!" Nat called before Snape had reached his desk.  
"What?" Snape asked, turning around.  
"Her.. Herm... The girl with the disease sounding name didn't add the foxglove stuff! I put it in."  
Snape's eyes narrowed at Nat. "Why did you put it in before you were supposed to?"  
"It was lonely and wanted to join the stuff in the cauldron. And it was cold. Inside the cauldron it was warm."  
"Nat, I am not in the mood for this foolishness!"  
"That's because you're a mean un-fun person."  
"That is quite enough, Nat!" Snape snapped.  
"But I'm not done talking! It's injustice for you to punish Harry and... That girl for my melting a hole in the table."  
"So you're requesting punishment?"  
"Yes. But not for me. For Pansy. She TOLD me that I was supposed to put it in before it was stirred."  
"Somehow I don't believe you."  
"Why not? Do I EVER lie?"  
"Do you ever not?"  
"I'm not lying now. If you don't believe me now, I'll never tell the truth again."  
Snape turned to Pansy. "Did you tell Nat to put in the Foxglove pellets?" Pansy glared at Nat, then tried her best to look cute as she faced Snape. "No sir! I haven't spoken to Nat all day!" Nat frowned, then tried her best to look hurt. "Yes-huh you did, Pansy! You called me a 'freaking American idiot' this morning. You not only insulted me, but my whole country!" Snape frowned at Pansy. "Miss Parkinson, that is NOT the way we treat exchange students." Pansy glared at Nat. "But she is! If she's an example of what Americans are like, their whole country should be destroyed!"  
"If this school is an example of what England is like, we should kick your asses! AGAIN!"  
"Again?"  
"Study history, you stupid bitch."  
"Study potions, you incompetent freak!"  
"Ohh, you called me a freak, I'm so hurt!"  
"I also called you incompetent, or is that word too big for you?"  
"Oh, incompetent, that's what you were trying to say, I couldn't understand your stupid-ass accent!"  
"YOU'RE the one with the accent!"  
"Excuse me? I speak accent-less English. If you had any sense about you you'd know that!"  
"You sound distinctly American."  
"And you sound distinctly retarded."  
"Enough!" Snape bellowed before Pansy could reply. "Pansy, twenty points off Slytherin for telling Nat to put in the foxglove pellets. Nat, twenty more points off Slytherin for not listening to me. Granger, twenty points off Gryffindor for not stopping Nat. And Potter, twenty more points off Gryffindor for talking back! Now, class is dismissed!"  
The students gathered their things quickly and filed out quietly. Snape was not one to yell. Sure he was threatening as all hell, but he didn't yell. Nat must have especially ticked him off today, class had been dismissed half an hour early as well.

+++

"Professor Binns? I really don't feel well..." Nat whined from her desk during her History of Magic class. Professor Binns seemed to not hear her, as he continued to drone on about the great wizard Frums back in 678. "Pro-fess-orrrrrrr!" Nat whined, louder this time. Still no response. "Professor Binns!" Nat screeched, finally getting his attention. Professor Binns blinked, students never spoke during his classes, well, at least not to him. "Yes?"  
"I feel really, really sick! And not good at all. And I seriously need to lie down before I pass out!"  
"Oh, well, go to the infirmary."  
"I don't know where it is!"  
"Well then... you take Nat." Professor Binns said, pointing to Pansy.  
"No way! I'm not gonna.... Oh.... Come on then Nat. I'll show you the way." Pansy grinned a bit evilly. Nat opened her mouth to protest, but found it too much work. God, she felt bad. Pansy walked over to Nat's seat, giving her a helping hand. "Here, lean on me, Nat. I'll get you there." Nat felt too weak to protest as she leaned heavily on Pansy and let her lead her out into the hall.

+++

_I'm gonna kill her... Kill her... KILL HER! _Nat thought to herself as she sat in a corner of an empty classroom, her knees pulled to her chest and her face buried in her arms. _I'll rip her intestines out and strangle her with them... I'll shave her head with a rock. I'll hang draw and quarter her. I'll tell everyone she's a lesbian. I'll make her listen to Britney Spears... No, she'd like that... I'll kill her. Slowly and painfully..._Nat felt herself slip sideways towards the floor just before she passed out.

**Note: **Wow! What a cliff hanger! Why is Nat sick? And how did she get in that classroom? (well Pansy got her lost, duh!) And what will happen to her? Will she die? You hope so? You suck! Go away! What will happen to Nat's relationship with her housemates? Why on earth did she defend Hermione and Harry? What are Nat's pets? Are they really lizards? And what is Frums spelled backwards? Hang on to your behind! Those questions will be answered when I get around to it! Yeah!  
So did you guys like that chapter? I don't think it flows very smoothly... Was everyone in character? I'm re-reading the books and making notes and stuff, but I think I've read so many fanfics that my views of the character personalities are rather skewed. Fanfiction corrupts! Anyhow, comments, flames, candy, etc. are all welcome. If you guess why Nat is sick, I'll tell people to go read your fics. *nods head* Now let's just sit back and wait for ff.net to get back up so I can post this!  
BTW, I am working on the next chapter of Survivor II - Harry Potter Style. My brother is going to co-author this chapter with me. Expect it up shortly, and hopefully I won't make you wait nearly so long for the other chapters.

**Today's moral is: **Don't put that in your mouth. You KNOW where it's been. Sicko.

**Disclaimer: **If you think I own Harry Potter, you're a druggy. I own Snape and Draco. Harry can die for all I care. Oh, what's that? I don't own Draco? Or Snape? Crud. Then I guess all I own is Nat. Don't take her. She is me. Be afraid.


	6. Ouches!

**Nat Sue  
Chapter Six**

"I don't know, Mrs. Norris just found her there."  
"I see..."  
"She was really far from any classrooms that are in use... She's either terrible at finding her way, or someone got her lost intentionally."  
"I'll be talking to Binns and the students to see what they have to say."  
"Good idea. Well, I best be off. I'll let you know if I find anything out."  
Nat snuggled deeper under the warm blankets, trying to block out the voices and drift back to sleep.  
"Nat, I know you're awake."  
"I am not..." Nat mumbled in response.  
"How'd you get in that classroom?"  
"How do you think?"  
"Nat, I don't know, that's why I'm asking. Why don't you be helpful for once in your life?"  
Nat pulled the blankets away from her face to look at Snape. "Why don't you?"  
"Incase you haven't noticed, I'm trying to help you, although I'm not sure why I'm even bothering as you obviously don't care."  
"Hn... Gomen nasai, Snape-sama."  
"Now, how'd you get in that classroom?"  
"I was sick, and Pansy was going to take me to the hospital wing, but she got me lost, and ran off."  
"Why would she do that?"  
"Because she's a bitch."  
"And you're not?"  
"I'm a princess."  
"You are not. You're a whiny, bitchy, spoiled brat."  
"And you're a mean bad man. What's your point?"  
"Nat, you better watch yourself."  
"Give me a mirror... Hey, why am I sick anyhow?"  
"You ingested foxglove."  
"How?"  
"You ate it."  
"I did not."  
"Then you had it on your hands when you ate something."  
"Like gum?"  
"You were chewing gum in potions?"  
"Yeah, I'm always chewing gum, except right now, do you have any?"  
"No. Now, I don't want you chewing gum in my class again. And I want you to try to get along with your housemates. Understood?"  
"Hai, Snape-sama."  
"Good. Pomfrey says you'll be fine, but she wants you to spend the rest of the night here. So _stay_ in bed. Understood?  
"Hai, Snape-sama."  
"I'm going to have a talk with Miss Parkinson, I believe. Get some sleep."  
"Hai... Arigatou."  
Snape paused before turning and heading out the door, his black robes billowing behind him. Nat settled herself down into the pillows and quickly fell asleep, dreaming of the lecture Snape was going to give Pansy.

+++

Nat awoke in the middle of the night, feeling uncomfortably hot under the blankets. Kicking the blankets off, Nat stretched out, hoping to cool down. Nat was still in her uniform, minus the robe and tie, and began tugging off the vest and then the long sleeved shirt. Stripped to just her tank on top, she rolled up the legs of her pants (she had opted out of wearing skirts).  
After tossing and turning for what seemed like forever, Nat realized that there was no way she was going to get back to sleep, and she needed to go for a nice long walk to make her sleepy. Disregarding Snape's orders to stay in bed, Nat climbed out and headed to the door. Opening it quietly, she was relieved to find it had not been charmed to go off when she opened it. Turning left down the corridor, Nat made her way through the dark halls with her hand on the wall to guide her.  
Fifteen minutes later found Nat walking down a winding staircase, just wide enough for one person to walk on. Carefully finding each step before she set her foot down, Nat froze in mid-step as she heard a cat's meow from behind her. _Filch's cat! Damnit! _Nat thought frantically, hurrying down the steps now.  
Nat was all but running down the stairs when she suddenly smacked into something, soft, yet hard, and stumbled, taking whatever she had run into the rest of the way down the stairs with her. Landing at the bottom of the staircase with a loud 'oof!' accompanied by another 'oof' from what she had run into. Nat pulled herself off the floor, rubbing her head and holding her nose, which appeared to be bleeding. "Goddamnit!" Nat cursed under her breath. Then glanced around, disturbed to see a leg but no body laying next to her. "Shit... Did I kill someone again?!" Nat said, backing off.  
"I'm alive, thanks much." Came the reply, as the invisibility cloak slid off and Harry sat up. "It's you! Damnit, you should quit it with that invisibility shit!" Nat said, glaring at him. "Yeah well... Hey... _Lumos_!" Harry said, giving his wand a slight wave and making a light at the tip appear. "You're a girl?!" Harry exclaimed, looking at Nat's chest which wasn't quite so flat after all. "Hey! Pervert!" Nat yelled, slugging Harry in the stomach as hard as she could. "Now, what the hell do you mean by 'you're a girl'?!"  
"Uh, well, I just thought... Everyone thinks... And then..."   
"Out with it, Potter."  
"Everyone thinks you're a guy!"  
"Yeah, well that was kind of Draco's idea there. He has this whole plot to make Gryffindor look stupid. Well, actually, I think you and that girl with the disease-like name and some other guy were his real targets, but y'know."  
"What was his plan?"  
"Uhm... Well he didn't really explain it. I don't think he likes me much... Keeps calling me a 'Mudblood' and stuff like that."  
"Yeah, that sounds like him..."  
"Anyhoo, what the hell are you doing running into me on the stairs?"  
"Me? You were the one running! Why were YOU running into me on the stairs?"  
"Because Mrs. Norris... Oh shit, I forgot about her! We've gotta get out of here!"  
"Here, get under my cloak!"  
Harry quickly pulled the cloak over both Nat and himself, and they headed quickly down the hall, away from the staircase.

+++

"So is your name really Nat? Or is that short for like, Natalie?" Harry asked from his position on a teacher's desk in an unused classroom. "Nat is short for Natsume, but that's not really my name..."  
"It's not? What is your name then?"  
"Uhm, I don't really like my name..."  
"Oh, c'mon! It's probably not too bad, not worse than Hermione, is it?"  
"No, nothing is worse than that... But I still don't like it."  
"So you signed up for Hogwarts with a fake name? Does Dumbledore know?"  
"He probably does, but hasn't said anything. He's almost cool..."  
"Yeah, I like him. He's great."  
"Great is pushing it."  
"You don't know him like I do."  
"Oh, you have an intimate relationship with the guy?"  
"No! It's not... Oh, haha, very funny."  
"Yes it was..."  
"How is it you didn't get in Gryffindor? You don't seem the Slytherin type."  
"Well the hat didn't exactly sort me, incase you forgot."  
"I know that! But it seems pretty obvious that you should be in Gryffindor, or Hufflepuff."  
"Gag me with a knife, Hufflepuff is for losers."  
"Okay, but why didn't the hat put you in Gryffindor?"  
"Look, Potter. I'm not a very nice person. I may act all ditzy and blonde, and everything, but you don't know the first thing about me."  
"Alright, alright, you don't have to be so touchy, I believe you."  
"Good, because I'm not someone you want to mess with, Potter."

+++

Nat was released from the hospital wing early the next morning - Saturday. Skipping into her dorm room where all of her roommates were still sleeping, Nat quickly changed into her normal clothing (school robes weren't required on weekends): black wide leg jeans, a tight gray shirt, and a large black t-shirt over it which hung nearly to her knees with the words 'Chaos, Panic, Disorder, My work here is done' across the chest. Completing the outfit with her black and gray sneakers and her Badtz-Maru bucket hat, Nat skipped out the door and up to the great hall.  
Pacing back and forth on the Slytherin table, Nat wondered just what she should do to get back at Pansy. Maybe treat her to a good old fashioned Muggle game of bloody knuckles, or pop the head off the flower. Of course, Pansy wasn't a real flower, but that made it all the more fun. Nat giggled at the thought of popping Pansy's head off like a dandelion. That would be fun, very fun. And messy, ooh would it be messy. Nat felt a smile break out across her face as she continued to think up interesting ways to kill Pansy, and nearly jumped out of her skin when she was greeted by an all-too-cheerful Dumbledore.  
"Good morning, Nat!"  
"Good god! Don't do that! You shouldn't do that to people! You're going to kill someone!"  
"I shouldn't say good morning?" Dumbledore inquired, his blue eyes twinkling. Nat felt sick to her stomach at his cheerful mannerisms.  
"You shouldn't sneak up on people! You're lucky I didn't have my gun!"  
Dumbledore chuckled, which made Nat's mood plummet even further. Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Nat declared, "Anyone as cheerful as you in the morning, should be hung, drawn, and quartered."  
"You yourself seemed in a rather cheerful mood when I walked in." Dumbledore replied, the twinkle never leaving his eyes.  
"I was thinking of ways to kill Pansy."  
"I figured as much. I'm very glad to see you're doing alright. I checked in on you yesterday, but you were asleep."  
"Hn... So, are you gonna kick Pansy's ass?"  
"I wouldn't quite put it that way. Although Miss Parkinson does have quite a few detentions ahead of her."  
"Hn."  
"Nat, why do you think Pansy did that to you?"  
"Because she's a bitch?"  
"Watch your language please. And I don't believe you've got it quite right, I think it has more of something to do with you."  
"She's jealous because I'm a princess."  
"Nat, seriously, why would she do that?"  
"Because I'm a Mudblood."  
"That... May have something to do with it, but that word is not appropriate."  
"That's what Draco calls me."  
"Well, I'll ask Severus to have a talk with your housemates about that. But I don't think that's the only reason."  
"Oh... Hey, I can jump across the gaps in between the tables!"  
"Nat... Can you please be serious?"  
"No."  
Nat jumped lazily from the Slytherin table to the Ravenclaw table, putting herself much closer to Dumbledore who was in the middle of the room. "Nat, what have you done to yourself?"  
"Nani?"  
"You're covered in bruises, what happened? You didn't have those when I checked on you last night."  
"Oh, I ran into Harry on the stairs! You can ask him if you don't believe me... Not that I would ever lie."  
"You ran into Harry Potter? What did you do, fall down the stairs?"  
"Yeah, was kinda fun, except it hurt..."  
"I would imagine."  
"One time I imagined I flew to the moon... But I didn't have any air tanks so I passed out."  
"Why didn't you just imagine air tanks?"  
"Oh... I uh... Hmm... Anyhow, I got to go to the hospital. That was fun!"  
"You imagined you passed out and went to the hospital? Great fun..."  
"No, I imagined I went to the moon. I really did pass out and go to the hospital!"  
"Why... Never mind."

+++

**Note:** Hey people! Natty Sue is a lot easier to write than the Survivor fic... Anyhow, I know I said she'd get her pets, but I decided I needed another chapter in between. It's short, I know, but it was needed. ^_^ What did you guys think? It wasn't particularly funny... *sad* But I hope it's okies. Review please! Thank you everyone!  
Special thanks to Ravenclawizard and Talia Carter for help with classes!

**Today's Moral is: ** Blood is a pretty red. Make sure lots of people get to see this pretty shade of red.

**If you want me to email you when I update this (or any of my stories) please leave your email in your review.**


	7. Pets!

**Nat Sue  
Chapter Seven**

Nat was again pacing the Slytherin table when the rest of the school stumbled groggily in for breakfast. Dumbledore had given up trying to have a serious conversation with her, and had seated himself at the head table.  
Nat plopped down into a seat before the rest of her house was seated (no one seemed to think it was odd that she was walking on the table, they'd gotten pretty used to her in the past week), and was rather surprised when Draco sat next to her.  
"Hallo!" Nat began, and wondered if she should ask him straight out why he was sitting next to her and if the reason was going to be painful. "Hello, are you alright?" Draco replied, nearly making Nat fall backwards out of her chair. Why would Draco ask that? Did he care? Or was he planning something? "I'm alright, I got foxglove in my mouth when I was chewing my yummy gum, it was cotton candy flavored gum, my favorite, and then Pansy got me lost and I was so mad at her because I was sick! And then uhm... Mrs. Norris found me and I guess Filch took me to the Popsicle wing, which is kind of like a hospital wing, but colder, and then Snape and Dumbledore came to see me, but I don't remember Dumbledore coming 'cuzzes I was asleep, and then I snuck out and fell down the stairs and it was Harry's fault and then we stayed up late talking and he found out I was a girl, which kind of ruins your plan, but it wasn't my fault, it was his, because he shouldn't have been looking at my chest anyhow! And then I got up this morning and I'm okay but I'm kind of sleepy so if I fall asleep when I'm talking, just poke me with a stick and I'll wake up, but don't hit me with a brick 'cuzzes that'd be mean, okay?"  
"Good god, I didn't ask what happened, I asked how you were, you didn't need to tell me everything you did since I saw you last!" Draco said coldly. "But I thought you might like to know! And I didn't tell you everything, I left out a lot! Like--"  
"I don't want to hear what you left out!"  
"Oh... Okay!"  
"Now, _how_ did Potter find out you were a girl?"  
"I told you! He was looking at my chest, so I decked him!"  
"There's not really anything there to look at, so decking him served no purpose."  
"That was way harsh..."  
"Thank you. Now... He knows you're a girl, so word is going to get out..."  
"Yeah... So?"  
"So I've got to change my plan, but that's okay."  
"It is?! You're not even mad or anything?"  
"Actually, I've been thinking the past two days that it might work better if they know you're a girl..."  
"Oh, okies!"  
"But you need a _serious_ makeover."  
"What? No way! I like the way I look!"  
"You're kidding..."  
"No! I look better than Pansy! Hey... Where _is_ Pansy?"  
"Didn't want to come, which is fine with me. She's a bitch anyhow."  
"Yup... Why exactly, are you being so uncharacteristically nice to me?"  
"Because, what Pansy did was dishonorable. Not that honor is important all the time, but purposely trying to kill housemates is unacceptable, even if they are dumb Mudblood bitches."  
"Oh, I see, thanks... I guess..."  
Nat looked up at the flutter of owls as they came to deliver mail to the students. She thought the way mail was delivered in the wizarding world was fascinating, and figured she would never get tired of mail delivery at Hogwarts. When a huge crate was dropped behind Nat's chair by several hundred owls, all of the Slytherins and most of the teachers looked up to see what had been sent to her.  
"They're here! Boy howdy, that was fast!" Nat squealed excitedly hopping up from her chair and sitting on the crate. "Open-up-a-guss!" Nat said, waving her wand. "That's not going to work, you idiot." Draco drawled, trying not to look too interested in whatever Nat had received. "I know, but it's fun to say! I can't cast worth shit, can you open pleases, Draco?" Nat flashed him her best puppy-dog eyes and cutest smile, which caused Draco to roll his eyes at how pathetic she was, but he cast the correct spell, opening the crate for her.  
The Slytherin students that had clustered around Nat and the crate screeched and backed off, some of the younger ones screaming, as Fluffy crawled out.  
Fluffy wasn't very appropriately named, being a 30-foot long crocodile, but he was pretty cute, considering.  
"It's a dragon!" A first year Slytherin screeched, running across the hall with several other of the younger students. "It's not a dragon!" Nat giggled, "It's a Croccy-dilly!" This didn't seem to calm the students down much, in fact, it sent several more students including the majority of the Ravenclaws to the opposite end of the great hall. Only Draco hadn't moved, he was watching Fluffy lazily, knowing he could stop it with a simple enough spell should the need arise.  
Nat pet Fluffy on the head, cooing softly about what a big baby he was, as Dumbledore and Snape strode over. "Nat," Dumbledore began, the look on his face both amused and threatening, "When you said lizards, I imagined something quite a bit smaller. I can't allow two crocodiles in the school."  
"I don't have _two _croccy-dillies! I have _one _croccy-dilly and a basilisk!"  
"A... giant basilisk?" Dumbledore inquired.  
"No, just a baby! And it's normal sized, right now it's only about a foot long! I didn't know there were giant ones..."  
"Yes, well, there are, we had some trouble with one a few years back. Slithering about in the pipes..."  
"Slithering? Lizards don't slither..."  
"It was a snake, you have a basilisk lizard?"  
"Yes! Lemme just find him..." Nat said, ducking into the crate and emerging a minute later with a bright green lizard with gold eyes on her shoulder. "See? Ain't he a cutie? His name is Jim-Bob!"  
"What an... Interesting name for a lizard, but really Nat, you can't expect to keep a crocodile in the school..."  
"But you said I could!"  
"I didn't know you were referring to a crocodile! Can't you see the students are scared of it?"  
"It's not an it, it's a him! And Fluffy is a sweetie! He won't eat anybody unless my mom forgot to give them food before she mailed them!"  
"Nat, it's too dangerous to keep Fluffy in school!"  
"But... You said... Hey, what about Hagrid? Would he let me keep Fluffy out there?"  
"I suppose... I suppose that would work, but Hagrid is gone this morning, so we'll have to discuss it with him this afternoon."  
"Alright! Yay!"  
"But that does not mean he'll agree, he deals with magical creatures, not ordinary."  
"Fluffy is extra-special! I'm sure he'll say yes!"  
"Very well... Now... Take Fluffy... To your dorm for now. Jim-Bob too. And please don't frighten the other students on your way."  
"Yes sir!" Nat said, saluting before pulling a large chain out of the box and clipping it onto Fluffy's collar. "C'mon, Fluffy! Lessgo!" Nat said, leading Fluffy out of the hall (carefully making sure she passed as near the Hufflepuffs' table as possible), with Jim-Bob snoozing on her shoulder.

+++

"Shoulder length."  
"No, waist length."  
"But such a drastic change?"  
"She _needs_ a drastic change."  
"Very good point."  
Nat groaned inwardly as the two seventh-year Slytherin girls scrutinized everything about her. Nat had always disliked makeovers, and she wasn't quite sure trusted these girls, or Draco for that matter. Draco was waiting outside the dorm, ready to give the judging on the final 'product' as he put it. _As if I'm something that can be bought or sold! _Nat thought angrily.  
"Okay, waist length, we can probably keep the same texture, light waves, but it may need to be a bit thicker..." one of the girls continued. Nat was having a hard time keeping track of who was who, the girls were identical twins, Rachelle and Michelle, but both seemed to go by 'Chelle'.  
"Too bad her nose is so weird..."  
"Well we can change her nose..."  
"Well you do it, I'll mess it up more..."  
Nat gripped the blanket on her bed a bit tighter, did they even know what they were doing?  
"Should she stay blonde?"  
"We could make her brunette, or auburn..."  
"What about platinum?"  
"No, we don't want her looking albino like Draco."  
"Eww, gross. Good point."  
"I want black hair." Nat stated.  
"What?"  
"Black hair. I want my hair to be black."  
"I don't think your complexion is quite right for black hair, you're awfully pale."  
"If you're going to change my hair and my nose and everything else, the least you can do is make my hair black like I want it!"  
Both Chelles exchanged a glance, then shrugged. "Whatever, but if it doesn't fly with Draco, we're going to have to do another color." Nat frowned, but nodded her head, as soon as she learned to cast spells correctly she could make herself look however she wanted.

+++

In a little under an hour, both Chelles declared they were done. They'd used potions and spells to grow Nat's hair down to her waist and turn it black, clear up any problems with her complexion, shrink her nose (which Nat was very happy about), and keep her eyebrows from growing together. Now all that was left, was a 'better' looking outfit.  
"What are you planning on wearing to the Halloween dance?" One of the Chelles asked.  
"I... Oh yeah! It's in my trunk! I got it a few days ago in the mail, but I'm not supposed to open it until Halloween."  
The Chelles looked at each other, shrugged, and pulled open Nat's trunk to pull out a large soft package.  
"Hey! Don't... Oooh! Lemme see better!" Nat squealed as one of them tore open the package. Inside was an incredibly black velvet dress robe, with a Chinese collar, capped cape, and large droopy sleeves, lined in shimmery silver silk-like material. There was also an under-outfit, a close-fitting shirt and loose-fitting pants made of the same shimmery material. As one of the Chelles lifted the robe, a note fluttered to the floor. Picking it up, Nat read:

_Konnichiwa Chibi!  
Heard you made it into Slytherin, congrats!  
Saw this and figured since I never got you a birthday present I'd give it to you for Halloween.  
Hope you like it, and it better fit! You're a weird size, you know that?  
Let me know how it fits, so I can know if I got your Christmas present the right size!_

_Hugz n' shtuph!_

_-Hikari_

"Ohh, it's from Kari! She's always spoiling me!" Nat squealed happily. "Well hurry up and try it on!" Both Chelles demanded.

+++

Nat hesitated before opening the door, dressed in her new robes and with her hair done up, she felt like a porcelain doll. "Go!" one of the Chelles urged. "Wait!" the other commanded. "We should present her! Let's go out first, and then you come out!"  
"Good idea!" the other Chelle agreed, rushing to the door.  
As the Chelles stepped out, Nat took a deep breath, she rather liked how she looked now, but she didn't particularly like people looking at her. Nat chuckled to herself, she didn't like people looking at her yet she was always trying to be the center of attention. She must be a living contradiction.  
"And her she is!" Nat heard one of the Chelle's say from the other side of the door. Taking another deep breath, Nat stepped out. Her immediate reaction was _Fuck! What're all these guys doing here?!_ Because, it seemed, Draco had gotten nearly every boy from Slytherin to help him judge the final 'product'.  
Nat narrowed her eyes as several of the boys applauded at the makeover, and glowered as a few of them said she still looked like a dirty Mudblood. Draco though, seemed pleased at the makeover, and nodded his approval to the Chelles. "The hair is a good touch, with black hair she looks almost intelligent." Nat stuck her tongue out at him, and abruptly turned and headed back into her dorm, to retrieve Fluffy from his spot beside her bed.  
Grabbing Fluffy's chain, she tugged on it until Fluffy awoke from his nap, and lead him to the door, where she shoved him outside into the hall before shutting it again. Nat chuckled to herself as a few screams and yelps were heard.

+++

**Note: **Lalala! Okies, I updated again pretty quickly... This was, obviously, a chapter to get things moving somewhat, not really be funny. *sigh* Next chapter, Nat watches a Quidditch game. Yay... Mesah sleepy... You all have a good Turkey day? Hope so! Anyhow, review please! Let me know if you want me to email you when I update! Oh, and yeah, JK had a basilisk in her books, but as far as I know, basilisks are ONLY lizards, but maybe hers was magic? Anyhow, mine is a lizard, so there. =P

**Today's Moral is: **Don't put THAT in THERE! It might get stuck!


	8. Fluffys!

**Nat Sue  
Chapter Eight**

Nat yawned sleepily. She'd been awake for six whole hours and she wasn't enjoying it. At least on weekdays she'd been able to sleep during classes, but everyone else seemed to want to go watch the Quidditch game (Ravenclaw vs. Hufflepuff) so Nat resigned herself to going in hopes it would make her fit in better. But first... There was a Fluffy to take care of.  
"C'mon Fluffles!" Nat prompted, pulling the thick chain around Fluffy's neck. "We need to go see -damn you're strong!- that big dumb dude with the animals!"  
Fluffy didn't seem to think they needed to visit Hagrid though, and jerked Nat to the floor of her dorm where he promptly made himself comfortable on top of her. "Get off, yo!" Nat ordered weakly as she began to suffocate under Fluffy's huge mass. "oooff meeaaaaaahhhhhh!" Nat tried to scream as her air supply was nearly exhausted. When Nat was about to use the last of her air to try to scream for help, she realized that she could breathe again, and that Fluffy was hovering about a foot above her.  
"What the hell?" Nat mumbled as she caught her breath. Fluffy settled to his feet a few feet away from her, and Nat was now looking up into Draco's cold glare. "What _were_ you doing with your pet?" Draco sneered. Nat narrowed her eyes before she burst into laughter. "Oh my God! That's so sick! Only you would think of that! I knew from the minute I saw you that..." Nat trailed off as she began laughing too hard to continue. "What the hell are you talking about now, Muddy?" Nat stopped laughing abruptly and looked at Draco. "What do you... Oh..." Nat burst into peals of laughter again as Draco tried to figure out what she thought was so funny.  
"What the HELL do you find so amusing, you worthless, Muggle-born, squib?!" Draco finally shouted after he failed to catch on. Nat stopped laughing once again and stood up to face him. "Listen, Malfoy." Nat said in a dangerously low voice and took a step closer, "Just because you _think_ I'm a Mudblood does _not_ mean you're right." Nat stepped closer causing Draco to take a slight step backwards. "Just because you _think_ I can't cast spells and am a complete ditz does not mean that I'm not here on a super secret mission to gather information about stupid Muggle loving bastards like Dumbledore and the Gryffindors. So why don't you watch your Goddamn, slimy mouth unless you know what in the _hell_ you're talking about?" Nat took a final step forward, which caused Draco to take a full step back. Draco blinked for a minute, and Nat just stared calmly into his eyes (they were a _very _pretty grayish) and waited for what she said to sink in.  
"You're a... spy?" Draco finally managed. Nat smirked, seeing Draco lose his cool, for even a minute, was something she thought very few people ever saw. "Not exactly, but yes." Nat grinned as she took a step back and sat down on Fluffy's back. "You see, I was raised to be like a Mudblood. I've had no training as far as magic goes, although I'm supposed to have 'great potential' or some shit like that. I was _supposed_ to be in Gryffindor or Hufflepuff, so my cover would have worked, but unfortunately that didn't happen quite right. So, I need to kind of mix between houses a bit, since things won't work very well if I act like a normal Slytherin. So, basically, I need to stay somewhat on the outskirts of Slytherin, at least for a bit, until I've made some good connections with other houses. But I really shouldn't have told you alllllllll that, yo. So like, you can tell the other members of the house, but this _cannot_ get out to anyone else, okay?" Nat took a deep breath and hoped Draco would buy it. For a minute, it seemed like he wouldn't, but Nat had perfected the art of looking honest long ago, and eventually he smirked and said: "Alright. I'll make sure you keep your cover. You should have told me this earlier, you wouldn't have had to mess with Pansy at all. Stupid bitch." Nat wasn't sure whether that last part was directed at Pansy or herself, but decided not to press the issue.  
"Anyhow, I have to take Fluffy to see uhm... That big dude with the animals." Nat said, picking up Fluffy's chain again and positioning herself on Fluffy's back like he was a horse. "You're going to ride him?" Draco asked skeptically. "Eww, no! You're really sick, Draco!" Nat said, smirking as Draco got a quizzical look on his face. "Never mind, I'll tell you when you're older." Nat said calmly, kicking Fluffy on the sides and then positioning her legs Indian style on his back as he began to walk out the door. Draco scratchd his head as he watched Nat and Fluffy crawl out the door, and Nat said a little prayer, thanking God Draco had been so gullible.

+++

Going down the stairs on Fluffy's back was a challenge, but Nat eventually managed. Passing by the Quidditch field Nat gazed lazily at the Ravenclaw team warming up. Nat had never seen a Quidditch game, and was rather interested, if only it didn't cut into her sleeping time. _Oh shit!_ Nat thought, _I missed Digimon! And X-men Evolution! Damn it all! I need my goddamn TV!_ Nat was about to turn Fluffy around to go find Dumbledore and demand a TV, when Fluffy stopped walking at the door to Hagrid's hut. _Just have to talk to him later, yo._ Nat grumbled to herself, as she reached over and knocked on Hagrid's door.

_Knock, Knock_

After about five seconds Nat grew impatient and began knocking out a drumbeat on the heavy wooden door.

_Knock, Knock_

_Knock_

_Knock, Knock_

_Knock, Knock, Knock_

_Knock, Knock_

The door was suddenly yanked open by a rather annoyed (but still fairly good natured) Hagrid. "Wha' is all thi' knockin' abou'?" Hagrid demanded in his deep, booming voice. Nat blinked. "I was playing music! But that's not important! See Fluffy? Oh... wait... Fluffy? Where'd you go?" Nat glanced around for Fluffy, who was crawling around to the back of Hagrid's hut. "Silly Fluffy!" Nat scolded as she motioned for Hagrid to follow her as she skipped around the corner of his hut. Just as Nat rounded the corner a high-pitched whine was heard then cut off abruptly as the sound of Fluffy's powerful jaws snapped together.  
"Fluffy?" Nat asked, peering around the corner, "What did you eat?" Fluffy just looked docilely up at Nat, his small beady eyes as innocent as a crocodile's could possibly be. "Guess it was nothing." Nat said, as she picked up Fluffy's chain and turned to face Hagrid. "Anyhow, Mr. Man, this is Fluffy, and Dumbledore said I couldn't keep him in the castle thingy because a lot of people would be scared... But I love Fluffy SO much! And if I don't keep him then he's going to be put to sleep!" Nat made tears well up in her eyes before continuing. "So please Mr. Man, take care of Fluffy for me even though he's not magical?" Hagrid studied Nat for a long moment, before saying. "Arrigh' but yah' need tah' be lookin' affer' 'im, I'll keep 'im 'ere, but I ain't takin' responsibility. Yah' 'ear?" Nat nodded until she thought her head would fall off, and smiled her biggest and brightest smile at Hagrid. "Thankies!" Nat said, hopping from one foot to the other. "Now I can go watch the Quidditch game!" Hagrid put a large hand on her shoulder to stop her. "Now wai' I'm not even sure I know who yah' are! What's yer' name? I dun' think I seen you 'afore."  
Nat bit her lip, Hagrid obviously wouldn't recognize her after her makeover, she looked completely different, not to mention Hagrid seemed rather slow anyhow. "I'm uh... Natsume. Yo? Look, I really gotta go, ja ne!" Nat said, taking off at top speed for the castle, leaving Hagrid staring dumbly after her.

+++

**Note: **I KNOW! I KNOW! I said Nat was going to watch a Quidditch game this chapter, well I LIED! Haha! I was going to add it after that part up there *points up*, but then it would be a long chapter, and I don't do long chapters since if you do a bunch of short chapters you get more reviews! Yeah! hehe ^_~  
Anyhow, Nat will watch Quidditch next chapter, I just needed her to make Draco believe some shit and get rid of Fluffy for a bit. And I AM working on Survivor II. I've got things planned out, just need to get it typed up. Expect the next chapter of Natty Sue and Survivor II out in the next two weeks (after my mid-term final shit thingies). Okay? OKAY!

**Everyone who says I'm like them** - Nat is only my online personality... sorry... hehe. In real life, I'm the kind of kid that people make examples out of and my friends are always complaining that their parents are telling them to act more like me. ROFLMAO!

**Talia **- LOL, wish I'd have been there to hear that! "...and be ready to expect love to come in the form of--" "A CROCKIDILE!?!?!?!"  
Hehe, I like your moral... But have you got any that could be interpreted as really sick? LOL... okay, okay! I'll shut up!

**Ginny **- Okay, I'm not sure I've got your email, email me at chibichan@planetnamek.org and I'll send you the lyrics you want. I haven't updated my Learn Japanese for a while since I'm working on getting the grammar right... Don't want to tell you guys the wrong thing and then you end up making dumb sentences... ^_~

**Riko Kirei Kiri** - MMm, I'd like to think that the Slytherins have some sense of honour when it comes to their own housemates, no matter how dumb they are... And just for your birthday.... *grabs some bishounen* Singing time!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAPPppppppppppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Biiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrthhhhhhdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy (*glass breaks*) tooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Haaaaaaaaaaaaaapppppppyyyyyyyyyyyyy birrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy tooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu (*your monitor breaks*) haaaaaaapppppppyyyyyyyyy biriiiiiiiririririririiririririirrhtdayyyayayayyayyyyyyyyyyayayayayayayay deaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrr Riko Kirei Kiriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii (*rocks break and the foundation of your house shatters*) haaaaaaaaaaaaaapppyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyayayayayayayyay bbbbbbiririririririiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrthdaaaaaaaayyyyyy toooooooooooo youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!

And I'll go repost those ficcies, okay? Go review them again... =P

**Amy DaFrEaK - **Eh, she was cuter w/blonde hair, but I want to dye my hair black... I had to settle for brownishy-red because my mum is mean, but I want black hair, so if I can't have it, Nat can! hehe ^_~

**Everyone else - **I didn't forget you! I just don't have anything to say to you! lol... No really, thank you all for your reviews!!! *hugs*

**Disclaimer: **If I owned Harry Potter, I'd trade him for Draco.

**Today's Moral: **KEEP THAT THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!!!!

**And for people with lots of time on their hands: **You can read my journal here: http://obsessive-compulsive.blogspot.com  
And there's a picture of me here: http://scottzone.topcities.com/images/natsumeboat.jpg


	9. Stuffs!

**Natty Sue  
Chapter Nine**

Nat trudged back up towards the Quidditch field, hands buried in the pockets of her jeans. It was a lot of hard work being a cheerful little bitch all the time, and she wondered if people would like or hate her more if she were a sullen little bitch instead. Because really, what is the best kind of bitch to be?  
Spotting Draco and his flunkies surrounded by most of Slytherin house, Nat made her way over. It appeared that Draco was telling everyone the lie that Nat had told him earlier. _Good God these people are gullible..._ Nat thought, pushing through the crowd.  
"Wazzup?" She asked, coming face to face with Draco, and smiling her sweetest smile. "Relaying information." Stated Draco, motioning for her to move so he could finish talking. "Ooooo special." Nat said sarcastically. "I'm going to go knock some Hufflepuffs off their broomsticks. Okies?" Nat stated, rather than asked. Draco arched an eyebrow, but said nothing, and Nat made her way through the crowd again, gathering some looks of admiration from her fellow Slytherins.

+++

"Stupid Slytherins." Ron commented harshly, glaring in the direction of the congregation of Slytherins. "What do you think they're up to this time?" He said, turning to Harry.  
"Don't know... But since Malfoy's the one talking, we better watch our backs."  
"You better watch your backs no matter who's talking, Potter." a female voice drawled lazily behind them. Harry, Ron and Hermione stopped their trek to the Quidditch field and turned to face the speaker.  
"Who are you?" Hermione asked hotly.  
"Nani? You don't recognize me? I feel so... so... mmm... I'll get back to you on how I feel."  
"Just why should we watch our backs?" Ron asked, taking a protective step in front of Hermione.  
"Uh, because I snuck up on you when I wasn't even being sneaky. But silly little disease-named-girl doesn't even recognize me... I think I'm going to cry... or something..."  
Hermione's eyebrows shot up. "Nat?" she asked, astonished.  
"The one and only!" Nat smiled, striking a pose.  
"What... Your hair... and... How?"  
"Oh, yeah, these stupid Chelle people made me look all pretty. But now my hair is really annoying me, because it's like, in my way all the time... But it's pretty..." Nat said, twisting a strand of black hair around her finger.  
"I thought you were a guy!" Ron exclaimed, looking thoroughly confused.  
"Hn." Nat said, glaring at Ron. "That's just what Drackie-chan _wanted_ you to think. He's got this weird obsession with lesbians or something... That is, if he knows what one is, he's really clueless actually. Kind of cute in a way..."  
"Why did you change your hair though?" Harry asked, "It looked fine before."  
Nat blinked, "Whatever... Draco said I needed to look more like a girl, so I do now. Are you saying my hair looks bad?" Nat fixed Harry with a death glare. "Uh... no, I just... was wondering..." Harry said cautiously, taking a step back.  
"Oh, okies. So are you guys going to the Quidditch game? It starts soon, doesn't it?"  
"Yeah, we are, do you want to sit with us? Normally we sit by house, but we can mix if we want to." Harry said.  
"Okies. Draco will probably want to kick my ass, but he's such a wuss it doesn't matter."  
"HARRY! She can't sit with us! She's a Slytherin! And she's a lying, cheating, stealing.... SLYTHERIN!"  
"How did you know all that?" Nat asked, not one bit phased by Ron's outburst.  
"I... Huh?" Ron asked, confused, as Nat just grinned at him.  
"You're pretty cute, for a Gryffindor." Nat said playfully. "I like guys who speak their mind, even if that comes out is stupidity. Not that I've met a guy that's actually intelligent... But y'know what I mean, doncha, yo?" Nat grinned, then turned her back on Ron and grabbed Harry by the arm. "Lessgo watch dah game, yo!" Nat said cheerfully, dragging Harry towards the field.

+++

"So wait... if the Snitch is worth a hundred fifty points, that pretty much means that whoever catches it is going to win. That doesn't seem really fair..."  
"It doesn't mean they'll win, it means the game is over. There have been plenty of times where the Snitch is caught by one team but the other team wins."  
"Well why would you even catch it if you were behind by so much? I mean, just knock off the other Seeker and wait until your team gets enough points before going after the Snitch."  
"You can't 'knock off' the other Seeker! That would be a foul!"  
"Not if you made it look like an accident."  
"It would still be cheating."  
"It's only cheating if you get caught!" Nat declared, looking Harry in the eye. "Whatever it takes, y'know?"  
"That's poor sportsmanship."  
"It's winning. It doesn't matter how you play the game, it's whether you win or lose."  
"I think you've got that a little mixed up."  
"I think you're a little mixed up."  
"I don't- Look! They're going for the Snitch!" Harry exclaimed, pointing towards the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Seekers who were neck and neck, racing for the Snitch. "Oh... Ravenclaw's got it!" Harry cheered as the stands erupted in applause.

+++

"You've really never been on a broom before?"  
"Nope..."  
"And you're fifteen?"  
"Yup."  
"That's just... Wrong."  
"Can it, Weasley. Unless you want to see if your blood matches your hair."  
"Enough you two! Ron, stop teasing her! It's not her fault! And Nat, stop threatening Ron!" Hermione ordered, glaring at the two of them. "Whatever." Nat said offhandedly, as Ron blushed at being reprimanded.  
"Okay, first things first. Nat, stand next to my broom with your right hand over it, and say 'up'." Harry instructed.  
Nat positioned herself, and ordered: "Up!" to the broomstick. Nothing happened. "Try it again, but this time like you really, really, mean it." Harry instructed, frowning.  
"UP!" Nat ordered the broom again. Nothing happened. "Uhm, alright, just keep trying." Harry said, scratching his head. Even Neville had been able to make the broom move on his first try.

+++

"UP!" Nat yelled at the broom, which was still laying perfectly still on the ground. Hermione and Ron had long since gone inside, and Harry was laying sprawled on the ground, trying to figure out why Nat couldn't even get the broom to move.  
"HARRY! The damn thing isn't goddamn working!" Nat yelled, getting more frustrated by the second.  
"Look, maybe we better call it a day, you're not going to get it to work if you're all worked up."  
"But I wanna make it work!" Nat whined.  
"Try it once more." Harry said with a sigh, "And if it doesn't work, then we'll call it a day. Alright?"  
"Alright..." Nat agreed, a bit reluctantly, positioning herself once again.  
"Up!" She commanded. Nothing happened.

+++

"Jelly Jam Jubes." Nat said to the stone gargoyle, who moved away, allowing Nat to enter Dumbledore's office.  
Nat knocked sharply on the door three times, then waited for an answer. "Come in." The reply came almost immediately. She stepped through the door and looked around. Dumbledore was seated at his desk, feeding bits of a biscuit to a golden bird.  
"You wanted to see me?" Nat asked, her eyes on the bird whose tail was aflame. "Yes, here, have a seat. Would you like some tea?" Dumbledore inquired, pulling a tea set off a small table next to his desk.  
"Yummy!" Nat said happily in reply.  
"I'll take that as a 'yes' then." Dumbledore said, smiling.  
"That's a pretty birdy!" Nat chirped happily.  
"Why yes, he's a phoenix and his name is Fawkes."  
"Doesn't look like a fox..."  
"Not a fox, Fawkes."  
"That's kind of a gross thing to name a bird."  
"I'm sorry?"  
"Fawkes, I mean, you KNOW what that sound like, right?"  
"It sounds like fox, as you said before."  
"Yeah but... Never mind, I just don't give a fawk."  
"Oh, I see. Nat, I think it would really be nice if you... were more polite. You tend to curse excessively."  
"Yup!"  
"That's not a good thing."  
"Oh? Why the fawk not?"  
"Nat please. Here have some tea, and let's talk."  
"What-the-fawk-ever." Nat said with a grin, accepting the tea.  
"Nat, please. Can you be serious for a few minutes?"  
"What's in it for me?"  
"An intelligent conversation."  
"I'm not used to having those. I have three brothers y'know."  
Dumbledore rubbed his temples. The Weasley twins, he could deal with, this girl, she went out of her way to be obnoxious, in the most obnoxious way possible. "Nat, I just want to have a serious conversation, because I'm worried about you."  
"Why for, Mr. Man?"  
"Please, Nat. Just be serious for a few minutes."  
"Ooookies." Nat said with her cutest smile.  
"Thank you." Dumbledore said. "Now, I'm worried about this sudden change in your appearance. I don't think you should go so far as to change the way you look to fit in." Dumbledore said kindly.  
"But Draco said I had to."  
"Why would Draco say that?"  
"Because he's Draco."  
"Did you _want _to change your appearance?"  
"Not really, but now I'm prettier so it's okies."  
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."  
"Draco said I look better."  
"Is Draco's opinion that important?"  
"Uhm... Maybe?"  
"And why would his opinion be so important?"  
"Because... uh... mm..."  
Dumbledore smiled kindly. "Do you by any chance like Draco?"  
"Like him? He's a dumbass!"  
"I see... But do you have a crush on him?"  
"No. And if I did I wouldn't tell you. But right now I'd rather find some yummy Irish guy."  
"I see."  
"Anyhoo, I kinda like looking like this. It's nifty."  
"Alright. It is your choice after all. Now I've found you a tutor for Transfiguration."  
"Oooh, nifty-keen."  
"I believe you know Hermione Granger?"  
"The disease girl?!"  
"Yes... No. I'm sorry?"  
"Her name sounds like a disease."  
"I see... In any case, we don't normally mix houses for studying, at least not Slytherins and Gryffindors, but you seem to get along well enough with them. Or as well as you do with anybody."  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Continuing on!" Dumbledore hurriedly said, waving his hand as if dismissing the previous conversation. "Now that your appearance has changed, do you still not want us to use 'gender-specific terms' when addressing you?"  
"No, Draco says I get to be a girl now. Although I suppose Nat isn't a very girly name. Maybe you should call me by Natsume now?"  
"If that's what you want, although I rather think the name Nat suits you."  
"Well I kinda like it... But then.. mmm I'll ask Draco."  
Dumbledore arched an eyebrow. "Why is it Draco's decision?"  
"Because..."  
"Alright then. Now, your tutoring sessions will start on Tuesday. You will need to work out a schedule with Miss Granger..." 

+++

**Note: **I fixed the typos, added the moral... hehe... nothing else to say... I'll write a new Natty Sue chapter soon. ^_^ Go here: http://remus-lupin.com and join the message board. I'm Asaria Moonglow. Thank you. *bows*

**Today's Moral:** A little Lubricant goes a long way.

**Disclaimer:** You think I own Harry Potter? Ick. Harry is yucky. Give me a Draco, Snape, Oliver, or Seamus.


	10. Talks!

**Natty Sue  
Chapter Ten**

_Hop, Hop, Hop_

It was Tuesday. Nat had now been at Hogwarts for a full week. A full week and a day or two. She wasn't really sure, math was never her strong point. It was time to check on Fluffy, and then head over for tutoring lessons with that... disease girl. Herpes something-or-other. What was it with these wizarding people and their off-the-wall names? Why couldn't they have normal names, like Terada Yoshiyuki or Kinomoto Fujitaka? Was Shinobu Maehara, or Urashima Keitaro really that hard to say?  
Nat approached the sort of 'kennel' that Hagrid had constructed to house Fluffy. It was a very large enclosure, with a large pool of saltwater for Fluffy to splash in (being a saltwater croccy-dilly and all). Nat had to hand it to Hagrid, he was pretty good when it came to animals... But... Was it her imagination, or did Fluffy look bigger? A LOT bigger?  
"Fluffykins? Sweetie? C'mere and lemme lookit you..."  
Fluffy turned eagerly towards Nat's voice and crawled quickly over, expecting a rabbit or other small creature for a treat.  
Sure enough, Fluffy was bigger. Nearly twice his original 23 feet.  
"How...? What has Hagrid been feeding you? Huh, sweetie?" Nat asked, a frown forming. But before she could find Hagrid to ask him what had caused this... abnormal growth spurt, her new magic watch (which she found... on a table... After that Ravenclaw set it down) beeped at her, informing her that it was in fact, time for her tutoring session with the disease girl.  
"I'll be back later, okies Fluffykins?" Nat said, running off in the direction of the castle.

+++

"No, you're not doing it correctly!" Hermione said, for perhaps the twentieth time in the past half-hour.  
"Well then HOW am I supposed to do it then?" Nat retorted, glaring at Hermione.  
"I've _shown_ you. I don't know how many times we have to go over simple wand movements!"  
"Look! I'm doing it _exactly_ like you showed me! It's not working!"  
"There's no way it could not work, unless you're doing it wrong!"  
"Maybe my wand just hates me, no da?"  
"No... da?"  
"Nevermind. Look, this is stupid. You must be having me do it wrong! I'm doing it exactly like you said and it's not doing anything like it's supposed to! All it did was get a bit squishy!" Nat emphasized her point by poking the rock with her wand.  
"Well, at least it changed _somewhat._" Hermione said, rather irritated.

+++

"Draco! Draco! Draco! Draco! Draaaacoooooo!" Nat shouted, running down the hall towards where he was blatantly ignoring her and jumping on top of him. "Glomped you!" Nat said cheerfully, 'huggling' the now squirming and very embarrassed Draco. "Get her off me!" Draco ordered Crabbe, who easily reached down and pulled Nat off him.  
"Well hello, Crabbe!" Nat said, still dangling from his extended arm.  
"Hello." Crabbe said dully.  
"Whatcha up to?"  
"Uhm..."  
"Wow! I wish I could do that!"  
"Uh.. Do what?"  
"Be just like you! You're SO cool!"  
"I am?"  
"Yeah!"  
Crabbe blushed bright red and gently set Nat back on her feet. "Wonderful," Draco drawled, brushing imaginary dirt from his robes, "Start playing with their minds and they'll be impossible to control." Nat arched an eyebrow at him, "Naw, Draccy-kins, there's nothing a whip can't set straight. And messing with their minds... What little minds they have, is always in good fun!"  
Draco said nothing, but rolled his eyes and continued on his way towards Hagrid's hut for Care of Magical Creatures.

+++

"I don't wanna!" Nat all but screeched. They were still working on yazlews and Hagrid wanted Nat to pick hers up and pet it as an example of how positive energy would actually cause more harm to the yazlew. But Nat wanted nothing to do with the slimy yellow creature, it was utterly revolting in every possible way.  
"It's not gonna hurt yeh!" Hagrid tried to patiently explain.  
"But it's ICKY!" Nat said, backing farther away from the thing.  
"Jus' reach yer 'and down n' pet 'im!" Hagrid said, scooting one in Nat's direction.  
"Aiyyeeeee!" Nat squealed, jumping up on the fence. "Kill it! KILL IT, KILL IT, KILL IT!"  
"We're not gon' 'ta kill 'im. Jus' pet 'im and be nice ter 'im."  
"No! No, no, no, no, NO!" Nat yelled, jumping out of the pen and hiding behind a group of amused Gryffindors.  
"'Onestly they ain't gon' 'urt you! Anyone else care 'ter give it a try?" Hagrid asked, finally giving up on Nat, who continued to hide out behind the Gryffindors.  
"I will," Harry said, stepping forward a bit timidly. He didn't really want to touch the yazlews either, but he couldn't just leave Hagrid standing there. Very cautiously, Harry bent down next to one of the yazlews and gingerly scooped it up. It was extremely soft, and sticky with yellow slime, it was all Harry could do to not drop the disgusting creature as its antenna made contact with his face and all but stuck there.  
"Now jus' pet 'im," Hagrid said, smiling broadly. Harry bit his lip and slowly began to stroke the yazlew on the part that would most likely be considered its head. "Thar yeh go!" Hagrid exclaimed, as the yazlew immediately began to struggle in an attempt to get away fro Harry. "Now yeh can put 'im down. Dun wan 'ter 'urt 'im, y'know." Harry didn't need to be told twice, he quickly bent and placed the yazlew back on the ground. He was now covered in very sticky yellow slime.

+++

"You're alllll slimey!" Nat giggled, as she ran in circles around Harry.  
"I noticed." Harry stated blandly, futilely trying to wipe the slime from his uniform.  
"How iiiiicky!" Nat said, completing another lap around Harry.  
"Thank you. I know."  
"I know."  
"What?"  
"I know you know and knowing is to know what the know is who and when!"  
"Uhm... Okay."

+++

"Dinner time! Dinner time! Dinner time!" Nat chanted, bouncing through the corridors on her way to the great hall. Unfortunately, she bounced right into a seventh year Slytherin.  
"Ouch!" Nat squealed, falling on top of the older student.  
"Ouch yourself!" the seventh year said, shoving Nat roughly off.  
"Oh! Hi Emma! What are you doing?"  
"Hi. Nat. I was waiting for Sev-- Err Professor Snape."  
"Why?"  
"Because he's incredibly sexy."  
"Does this have anything to do with cheese?"  
"No, but it has everything to do with jam."  
"I'm not sure Professor Snape is uhm... Up for a coating in jam."  
"I'm sure he's up for strawberry jam."  
"It sounds eeeeewy sticky!" Nat said, shuddering as she was reminded of the slime Harry had been covered in.  
"No, it sounds terribly delicious."  
"What? You would lick it off?!"  
"Obviously."  
"I thought I was weird! I don't go talking with the licking things off professors!"  
"I beg your pardon?" Nat and Emma both froze as Snape's voice was heard from behind them.  
"Uhm..."  
"Ehh..."  
"Staring with your mouths open does nothing to improve your appearance, ladies."  
"Eh.. Ehm... Eto... Ano... De donde eres la uhm... hon desu!"  
"Miss Himitsu, please speak only one language, and please make that language English."  
"We were just discussing jam, Professor." Emma cut in, flashing Snape a sultry smile.  
"Ah, I see. Well, perhaps you should be heading up to dinner."  
"Righty-Oh, Snapey!" Nat said, turning quickly and bouncing off. Emma however, was not quite finished.  
"Professor, before I go, I was wondering... I'm uhm.. Conducting a survey, and wanted to know what kind of jam you prefer?"  
Snape raised a quizzical eyebrow. "Strawberry, Miss Jenks. Strawberrry."

+++

**Note:** Rawr. This was last updated exactly 1 year and four err.. 5 days ago. I'm so damn slow. How much of an interest is there for me to continue this? Does anyone want to write a chapter of my Survivor fic? hehe... I'm beyond swamped, what with my site and all, so any help would be appreciated. ^_^;;  
Very sorry for the delay. Or rather.. for the almost complete stop of this fic. *sigh*  


**Dedication:** This chapter is for I.C. Fire. Because I suck and she rocks. Go read her stuff.

**Today's Moral:** If it ain't stuck, stick it!

**Disclaimer:** Harry Potter is owned by Draco Malfoy. Meow.

**Plugging:** pure-sugar.net since it's mine.


	11. Unconsciousnesseseses!

The sun shone brightly.  
"Damnit!" Nat said, glaring at "yellow face".  
"Go away you cancer causing dumb thing!" She yelled into the sky, squinting as the sun replied with a bright radiance which hurt (like hell).  
"What _are_ you doing?" drawled a voice from behind her.  
"I'm cursing the sun. What are _you_ doing?"  
"Wondering how you were placed in Slytherin." Draco replied, narrowing his eyes at Nat, as she lay sprawled on the ground.  
"It was magic." Nat replied, grinning up at Draco.

"Obviously."  
"So what did you want?"  
"Oh, I don't want anything. However, I believe you're supposed to meeting one of your little Gryffindor friends?"  
"Ohhh! The disease girl!" Nat said, jumping up.  
"Yes. Because as much as I hate to admit it, she is fairly intelligent, which is something you are not."  
Nat blinked and stared dazedly at Draco for a moment. "What? Oh, never mind! Thanks for reminding me!" Nat said, before jumping on Draco and giving him a hug. "I'll see you later, okies? Love you, buh-bye!" Nat said, before rushing off and leaving a very disgusted looking Draco behind her.

+++

"Well, hopefully we'll make some progress today…" Hermione said, rather doubtfully.

"Pro-gress! You talk funny! Oh my God!" Nat said, giggling.

"I most certainly do not talk funny!" Hermione said, rather offended.

"Pro-gress! Ha! Say 'processed cheese product'!"

"Processed cheese product." Hermione said, a bit reluctantly.

"Oh my God! That is sooo cute!" Nat exclaimed, then hugged Hermione tightly. "You are just the cutest thing!"

Hermione broke free of Nat's hold, and took a few steps back. "Lovely. Now, we need to start our lessons."  
Nat sighed. "Oh, alright."

+++

Nat walked up the long flight of stairs. Why the hell did the Slytherins have to live in the dungeons? It was dark, cold, and too far from everything!

Rounding a corner, Nat forgot to watch her footing, and yelped in surprise as one of the steps disappeared from under her, and she was sent tumbling backwards down the flight of stairs.

Of course, being Nat, she happened to roll right into Severus Snape, as he was making his way up the stairs as well. So both were sent tumbling down the stairs, where they landed in a heap at the bottom.

"Owww… Shit." Nat said, struggling to sit up, and holding her head. "What the hell did I hit?" she asked herself, looking around. She of course found herself laying atop an unconscious Snape.

"Ahh! Fuck!" She yelped, jumping up immediately, and backing away from the professor. "WhatamIgonnado?!" she said, absolutely horrified. She'd get expelled for knocking a teacher out!

"What's going on?" a voice called from down the hallway.

"Oh no! Nononono!" Nat whispered frantically, before ducking behind a suit of armour.

A few moments later, Emma appeared, and stooped to inspect the unconscious form of Professor Snape. "Now what have we here?" Emma mused, "A wittle Snapey, all defenceless?!" She said, delighted, before cackling evilly. "I can definitely take advantage of this!" She said, before removing Snape's wand from his pocket, and casting a levitating spell with her own wand. "Now let's go find somewhere we can be alone, alright, Snapey? Yes…" Emma said, grinning evilly,  as she pulled a small jar of strawberry jam from her pocket. "We can have lots of fun this way…" She said, glancing around and then levitating Snape's body in the direction of an unused classroom.

"Whoa, that's fucked up." Nat said, quietly to herself, as she climbed out from behind the suit of armour. "Ah well, I'm sure he could use some anyhow." She said, shrugging it off.

+++

"Hiiii!" Nat greeted the entire great hall, before hopping on the nearest table (Ravenclaw). "Just so you all know, Snape's not feeling too well, so he won't be joining us for dinner! Everyone cry!"

The great hall stared blankly at Nat, and Dumbledore shook his head (exchange students, why did he agree to have one?!). Nat frowned, then hopped over to the Slytherin table, walking down the length of it before hopping into her seat next to Draco.

"Hi honey!" she exclaimed, loudly.

"Shut up." Draco said, glaring at her.

"Aww… Are you still upset I won't let you do anal? Honestly, if you want to do that, ask Crabbe or Goyle, I don't want—"

"SHUT UP!" Draco yelled, drawing his wand.

"Pfft. Meany." Nat said, but for once, decided not to push things any further.

The rest of the meal passed in silence, although Nat did kick several of her housemates who were sitting across the table across from her.

+++

Note: Eh… Do my homework. And uhm… My job. Then I'll have time to write.

Jeezis. I was 15 when I started this. For the record, I'm 17 ½ now. Pfft!

Disclaimer: Emma owns Snape. I know this because she raped him.

Moral: Anal sex is for fanfiction only.


End file.
